Joy and Sadness

I went away on holiday after Christmas with my wife, and we ended up in the Netherlands, exploring the beautiful city of Rotterdam. It was very nice to immerse ourselves into a completely different culture for a while, leaving our worries and cares a whole country away...

Whilst I was away, I had the opportunity to catch up on satellite TV with a Pixar film called 'Inside Out' (2015), which I must admit I had avoided seeing at the time as I was a little unsure whether I would be able to enjoy it - or even endure it… Let me explain.

This animated film is set in the mind of a young girl named Riley (voiced by Kaitlyn Dias), where five personified emotions — Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust - try to lead the girl through life.

As Riley grows up, her experiences become memories, which appear on screen as being stored in coloured orbs, which are sent into long-term memory each night. Her five most important 'core memories' start to form aspects of her personality which take the form of floating islands. Joy (Amy Poehler) acts as leader of her emotions, and since she and the other emotions do not understand Sadness's purpose, she tries to keep Sadness (Phyllis Smith) away from the main control console.

Everything starts going badly wrong when Riley and her parents (Diane Lane and Kyle MacLachlan) move from Minnesota to San Francisco… a series of unpleasant experiences from being so far out of her comfort zone affect Riley badly, and when Sadness causes Riley to cry in front of her school class, she creates Riley's first sad core memory. Joy tries to dispose of it quickly but accidentally knocks the other core memories loose during a struggle with Sadness, deactivating the personality islands. Joy, Sadness, and the core memories are then expelled out of Headquarters and sent to long-term memory storage.

By this stage in watching I was hooked. It was the only English language film on at the time, yet I felt  something deep inside myself wanting to turn it off (probably because it was getting a bit too close to home?). Could someone truly go through life without Joy or Sadness? It spoke to my inner me during one of my ‘bad days’. Days when I tend to emotionally switch off and simply ‘go through the motions’… deactivating the personality islands ... I was brave and kept going.

I won’t spoil the rest of it for you, but suffice it to say I literally ended up in tears by the end of the film.

I'll mention a couple of scenes in the film for you. At one point, Joy tries to prevent Sadness from having any influence on Riley by drawing a small chalk “circle of Sadness”, telling her to stay inside the circle. Apparently, psychologists call this type of behaviour 'emotional suppression' - that often something that leads to anxiety and depression. Finally, at the end of the film, Joy realises that she has to embrace the healthiest method for working with emotions: to accept Sadness for who she is. This is called 'mindfully embracing' an emotion.

This is something I need to learn in 2020. Hence, this rather personal blog post.

True Friendship

How many real friends do you have? According to a 2014 survey, the average Facebook user has 338 'friends'. And yet, how many of these are true 'friends'? Not that many, I am sure... Do many of your 'friends' truly know you - what makes you 'tick'...

I was pondering this at an Army event today. It followed an incident when I was seemingly 'blanked' by someone who I thought was a friend.  Yes, I know, perhaps they didn't know I would be there. Yes, I know, the venue was very large, and yes, I know, it's always extremely distracting when there are literally dozens of people in the same venue. I went through all of these scenarios in my head. Still, just for an little while, I must admit to feeling a little sorry for myself after the incident.

That didn't last long, I'm pleased to say. I was reminded quite powerfully that I have at least one friend who knows me inside and out and loves me to bits... Do you know Him?

Proverbs 18:24 (NIV)
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)
...be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Saturday Catch-Up - 6th April 2019

I spent a lot of my time looking at blue.
The colour of my room and my mood:
Blue on the walls, blue out of my mouth;
The sort of blue between clouds, when the sun comes out,
The sort of blue in those eyes you get hung up about.

When that feeling of meaninglessness sets in,
Go blowing my mind on God:
The light in the dark, with the neon arms,
The meek He seeks, the beast He calms,
The head of the good soul department.

I see myself suddenly
On the piano, as a melody.
My terrible fear of dying
No longer plays with me,
for now I know that I'm needed
For the symphony.
(lyrics from 'Symphony in Blue' by Kate Bush)

Saturday Catch-Up - 2nd March 2019

Lord, I'm not feeling at my best this week. To be brutally honest.

I've been trying to keep going, to keep moving, trying to lift my mood where I can. It's been... difficult. I feel that I'm running on empty. I often feel that I've simply been going through the motions.

I've been trying to push myself through the barriers caused by my negative feelings, through the lethargy. My life is quite dark at the moment.

Lord, all I can do is affirm the goodness of life and try to hold on to you until the darkness that I see is replaced by your light and love.

I know that I am loved. Life will be beautiful again. Soon, I will see it once again. Help me to see it.

I need you to be my strength and salvation. I need you to restore me and make me whole.

Fill me with your Word and your Spirit that I might be recreated anew.

Amen.

Picking Up The Pieces

Jeremiah 17:14 (The Message)
God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!

Today I was trying to get things in my life back to normal. It wasn't as easy as I thought.

I had spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in and out of St Thomas's Hospital, with all the inconvenience that a daily series of outpatient appointments can cause in a busy life. In fact, I did nothing on Wednesday apart from attending hospital and travelling by bus and train. All were draining. And, as expected, there was some physical side-effects from the course of steroid infusions, which threw my system completely out of whack. At least all the treatment seems to be having a positive effect...

I went back to the office today and was able to perform pretty well, but I felt so very tired. The mood swings were definitely well in effect and I tried very hard to hold it all together. At least, until I got in the car to go home. The delays on the motorway due to the Dartford Crossing getting snarled again (emergency repairs on the left bore tunnel) left my home town gridlocked and loused up my plans for the latter half of the day. It left me physically and mentally drained and sapped of energy. I flopped down on the sofa and just laid there for a couple of hours. That's not what I wanted to do tonight - but all I felt like doing.

One of the side-effects of steroids was supposed to be Increased Energy. Certainly not in my case!

Tomorrow will be better. Please...

Coping With Chaos

Yesterday evening was, quite honestly, chaotic. It was physically and emotionally draining. I had trouble recovering from it long after it was over. This was after a weekend when my plans were changed hourly (which I coped with). It was the sheer total craziness of yesterday that topped it all. And threatened to pull me over...

And yet, the people who we were trying to help yesterday were the ones who brought the chaos. They were looking for help from us. I was regularly reminded that these people live chaotic lives, so we must try and adapt.

So, I have to learn to cope with the chaos. Even if things go wrong. Even if the day has been a complete nightmare. Even if you can't turn off the feeling that you have to run away. Because you can't - if you want to help...

God is our constant here. He is not affected by circumstances or by moods.

"Father God, help me to find you in the midst of the chaos. Help me to see You, hear You, talk to You, and give thanks to You. Grant me true peace amidst the noise and the hubbub. In Jesus' name. Amen."

Inside

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40:1-3 (NIV)

Patience

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. 
  Never make a negative decision in the low time. 
  Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. 

  Wait. 

  Be patient. 
  The storm will pass. 
  The spring will come."

Robert H Schuller

Change It Or Channel It

(This entry is based on an email that I received recently from Rick Warren)

Yes, I know how I feel about a given situation often affects how I react to it. And many folks keep telling me that, in fact, it's all up to me. They tell me that I have a choice about how I feel. The problem is that they don't explain do it very well. They say - "like it or lump it". Which immediately switches me off... do they think I want to feel this way? That I like to feel bad? Sure, that leaves me with only one option: lump it, put up with it. :(

However, I like the email that I got recently, which explains it in a subtlely different way.

You either change it, or you channel it.

Sometimes you need to change what you’re feeling. And that's because raw emotions are so powerful, so potentially destructive, so damaging to some situations, that you're going to have to change it if you want to survive. Perhaps you are carrying around bitterness for something that happened years ago? You shouldn't. Because who is it hurting? Yourself - and in many occasions, only yourself. Everyone else may have forgotten it, which means you're the only one still keeping this alive. Christians are encouraged to ask ourselves "How would Jesus feel in this situation? Would He get annoyed? Would He be fearful?"

Sometimes you need to channel what you’re feeling. Some emotions or griefs are far too much to bear - however, we can decide to channel that grief for good - use that pain to help other people. That's bringing a good thing out of a bad thing. You are angry about an injustice? Write a letter, start a campaign, help someone who has been a victim. Turn this negative into a positive. Listen carefully - I'm not saying that you should be happy about it. I am saying that you need to find a way to find a positive from it. Name it, challenge it, channel it, use it for good.

If you can't change it, channel it.

If you can't channel it, change it.

Philippians 2:5 (TLB)

“Your attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus Christ.”

Feeling Tired

I've had cause this weekend to study the effects of lack of sleep on the human body. This past weekend has been a very, very long day! Only myself to blame I suppose - all of the extra activities have been totally voluntary, church-based commitments. But it has stirred up a whole collection of random thoughts in my head, which I need to get down on this blog before I get up for work tomorrow morning. If this post is a little more disjointed than usual - well, that might be one more effect of 'burning the candle at both ends'...

As a result of this 'research' I am well aware of the effects on someone's reaction time. Time distorts; a decision that you would make in a split-second may take you several seconds to make. The morning after a night without sleep is rarely a very productive one for me. I'm reliably advised that a disruption to your usual sleep pattern can produce a slowed reaction -  allegedly as bad as someone who is legally drunk. There's been some interesting medical studies on the topic, some published very recently.

Although many people are aware of the effect of intoxication on, say, your driving ability, we get few warnings on the dangers of 'tired driving' - apart from the one we see on the motorway signs. I try not to drive if I am recovering from a night without sleep.

However, do we ever get warnings of the effects of tiredness on your ability to do a good job at work? Not from some employers I am afraid. These bosses are only concerned about their expenses; in maximising the workload of already-tired staff who are desperate to retain their jobs and their income in a world where employers can't guarantee you the same hours each week... some even offer 'zero-hour contracts'. (I get angry when I think about such things) It's little wonder some people work such long hours: you need to take the work while it is there.

We live in a 24 hour society, with entertainment, information and shopping available on demand and at the touch of a button. Some businesses struggle to keep up with the pace of modern business; demand longer and longer hours from their staff. Others open every hour God sends to ensure they don't lose any opportunity to earn a pound or two.

However, human beings still haven't changed; we simply can't work 24 hours. We still need the basics to survive - food, drink, love... and sleep.

Burning the midnight oil hurts us in more than one way. It disrupts our:

• Digestion
• Appetite
• Physical appearance
• Alertness to danger
• Concentration
• Family time
• Love life
• Social life
• Quality of work
• Moods

I'll leave the final word to Scripture to round us off today. It asks us a most important question: why would we do it? I've had to take a long look at my own motivations this weekend for abusing my body in this way, seriously questioning whether what I am doing is God-glorifying. For if He isn't at the centre of what I do, what is the point?

Psalm 127:1-2 (MSG)
"If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks. If God doesn’t guard the city, the night watchman might as well nap. It’s useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don’t you know he enjoys giving rest to those he loves?"

Comfortably Numb

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?

I've been reading up lately about feeling emotionally numb. Have you ever felt this way?

It's kind of like you can't feel things the same way you used to. Things that used to make you feel happy or content now fail to produce the same sort of positive feelings. Likewise, things that used to provoke feelings of anger or even tears now result in an apathetic response.

Life is just a series of shades of grey...

It's funny. It's not that you can't cope - life just seems to carry on, however things simply don't feel the same anymore. Not sad but not happy. Simply there.

Does that make any sense? Can you relate to this?

There is no pain you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
(lyrics from Pink Floyd - "Comfortably Numb")

Not A Good Place

My regular readers will be well aware of the fact that I struggle with my moods. Other folk will simply say that there are days when I "don't seem to be in a good place". So I thought I would sit down and jot down exactly how things appear to me when I'm having one of my bad days; perhaps that might throw a bit of light on what exactly goes on in my head. There were a couple of days earlier this month... so I've taken the opportunity to study the way I feel, objectively.

What sets it off? Oh, I think I've worked that one out. The last few 'bouts' have occurred either on the day or even a day or two after I've had a really busy period. Occasions when I have been 'pushing it' - working just a little too hard, going just a little too long without a break. OK, then, overdoing it! However I doesn't happen every time - and often I find it's something really small and insignificant that just tips the balance. A small comment, maybe. The straw that breaks the camel's back?

The best word I can come up with to describe how I can feel during one of these bouts is "overwhelmed". Little problems can seem to be big ones; big problems are just too much. I start to brood - have you ever seen Michael Fassbender's terrific portrayal of Erik in "X-Men First Class"? That same brooding silence that you see in one of the early scenes, when Erik manipulates the coin between his fingers. I struggle against the mood, try to make sense of it.

However, I don't lose my faith on these occasions. It's been well proven to me that the Lord is in the darkness with me. I'm not alone. I am never alone. I seek out my Father's presence as I pray into my situation, crying out for a break, wanting something to change. The feeling claws at me, clinging to my legs as it tries to pull me down. It feels like I'm struggling through mud, or clay. My body aches, I'm far more sensitive to pain than usual. In the meantime I try to maintain "business as usual" but some days even the normal routine seems exceptionally difficult. Even easy tasks get increasingly hard. However, I still carry on. It shouldn't last long... Doesn't usually.

There's something else, though. During this time something odd happens. I become acutely aware of other people, of their behaviour. The fact they are saying to one thing to one person, something totally different to another. It's a bit like I'm in a soap opera, and not a particularly good one. And I am an unwilling and remote observer, hypersensitive to detail. If I feel I can, I'll try to do something, anything, to make a difference. When I try to do the right thing, more often than not, it fails. Was it meant to be? I sigh, try to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I just sit there and watch as the inevitable unfolds before me.

When my mood subsides and the bout is finally over, I begin to think freely again. Invariably I will try and do something dynamic, perhaps even a little out of character, just to kick-start some energy back into my life. Get myself moving again! I launch into frantic activity - start to plan, even start to blog more.

Does any of this make any sense?

Who am I?

A really deep question for today... one that follows a few days of prayer and soul-searching. Who am I?

I already know part of the answer. It's in my description at the side of this very blog:

A member of The Salvation Army; husband and father of two; fan of popular science fiction; seeker after truth.

Perhaps, I ought to take into account what I do for a living? Now, I am well aware that most people categorise people by their jobs. I've had a whole host of different roles over the last  twenty or thirty years - paid and unpaid - however I must admit that I don't think I 'fit' any one of these roles in particular. In fact, the phrase that best sums up my opinion are the words "I am a human being, not a human doing". So, I dismiss that. What I do isn't necessarily who I am. It's who I am that determines what I do.... So, who am I?

Let's add in to the mix what I have learnt about myself over the past year or two. Things about my own temperament, the things I am gifted in. And of course there are the darker aspects of my life. My moods, my base nature. What makes me tick. Or doesn't. My strengths, my weaknesses.

And then of course there are those things about me that I am aware of from my journey of faith. The fact that I am loved by God, my spiritual gifting that comes from Him. The indwelling and inspiration of God's Holy Spirit which encourages me to do things for Him and to carry on even when others tell me it's pointless. Even times where an act of self-sacrifice gave me a joy quite unlike anything I've ever experienced!

However, deep down under all of that I find there's still something else... Something I haven't discovered yet? Something that is so obvious that I've simply overlooked it? A missing piece to the jigsaw that I need to factor in.

Can't quite see it at the moment. Prayers welcomed.

Catch Up

Well, it's back now to regular blogging after the Summer break. Thought I would let you know what's been going on in my mind since July by letting you know what paperback books I've been reading on holiday - whilst I've been sitting in a campsite in Suffolk:

The Avengers (novel adaptation of the recent movie) - read this in an afternoon. I thought I wanted something light to read - however this turned out to be far too light, it didn't do much for me, even though I'm a long standing Marvel Comics fan.

Mud, Sweat And Tears by Bear Grylls (autobiography) - my main read of the holiday, the story of a real man of action, the current Chief Scout. The book details how Bear became a member of the SAS (an incredible story in itself), how he suffered a horrific free-fall parachuting accident, then fighting his way back to health, and only eighteen months later becoming one of the youngest climbers to scale Everest.

Mood Mapping by Liz Miller (in an effort to understand and get to grips with my moods). Still digesting this one, but it's already given me some food for thought which I'll try and unpack here in a little while..

I've also been doing some research on feelings and instincts and reading a bit around the subject - secular and Christian authors - which will be the subject of my next few blog entries. Stay tuned!

Looking For The Light

"...there's a light at the end of the tunnel 
There's a light at the end of the tunnel 
The inside might be as black as the night 
But at the end of the tunnel there's a light."
(from Starlight Express - music by Andrew Lloyd Webber, lyrics by Richard Stilgoe)

This week's turning out to be quite a dark one. After struggling with my 'sense of humour failure' last weekend, other things have happened in the last few days that have... complicated matters. I try to rise above it, laugh it off, but this week there's so many issues; they threaten to overwhelm me.

I'm very reliant on my Lord this week to see me through.
He assures me that there is, indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel.
I believe Him.
But it's so dark that I just can't see it yet.
I strain to see... but I think I have lost my bearings.
I can't see which way to look.Which way?

I can't see it yet, but I know it's there. I know there's a light.

Psalm 107:13-16 (NIV)  
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,and broke away their chains. 
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, 
for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

Sense Of Humour Failure

Today's been a super day overall - it saw this year's first carolling engagement for the Corps. A great time was had by all, singing together; and we got a good reception from the passers-by in the shopping centre.

However, I couldn't help but mull over a few stray negative comments during the day. It's hard to shake these off. Should I care? Am I suffering from what someone called 'sense of humour failure'?

Take it to the Lord in prayer? I certainly did. And He put the day back together again, putting the whole thing back into context. Worrying about such trivial things, well they're just not worth it. Look what you achieved today; how you told others about the Christmas message.

I still need to find the ability to laugh these things off - it's a quality I seem to have lost in recent years - but it's a start.

Matthew 6:34 (NIV)
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Moods: Can They Be A Good Thing?

Those who know me well know that I'm someone who can struggle with my moods - I can go for quite a while being cheerful, however all of a sudden something changes and I'm right down in the dumps. I'm still struggling to find out what triggers such a swing within me. I've read up on subjects like bipolar disorder and depression, discussed the topic with friends and colleagues (some of whom read this blog!); at the moment it just seems to be a cross that I have to bear. However, I am getting quite knowledgeable on the subject!

A recent report from the British Psychological Society has suggested that severe mood swings aren't necessarily a bad thing, as they say that such changes in mood can actually bring benefits, inspiring great works of art, classics of poetry and prose. I'd be interested in hearing other people's views on the topic.

Read more on the report here .