Why Are You Angry?

I'm afraid I have to come back to that horrible subject again.

The subject? Anger.

And I keep asking myself the question - why is it that I keep finding myself coming back to this topic so often in this blog? What have I still to learn? What piece of the jigsaw have I yet to find?

Now, I know that some people think anger is simply a violent and explosive outburst.

Not usually for me. In my experience it's more inwards, a seething caldron of negativity. It festers, it lies there dormant, just under the surface. If I blow, it's usually after a few hours (even days!) fuming quietly to myself. How apt is the phrase, "The straw that breaks the camel's back." How horrible, if you're the one laying the straw...

I read the following quote today:

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

There’s a truth here.

So what am I angry at, at the moment?

* The tragic loss of a young life
* people who I know well who have lost their jobs in a recent reorganisation. I'm sad for them, going to miss them... 
* my own experience of what must be "survivor's guilt" as I still retain my job
* strong negative comments posted on Facebook from some close friends which threaten to pull me down. Why do they post such hateful things?
* thoughtless acts by people who should know better...

One way that people have recommended that I deal with this sort of anger is to "detach yourself from the emotion of anger itself... switch off and wait until the anger dissipates...."

Sorry, that doesn't work for me. I've tried it. It just leaves me numb. To all feelings, pleasure or pain...

I need to rid myself of the anger, not just the feelings. Praying into this tonight...

On Emotions, Feelings and Numbness

This is a follow up to a post I wrote a few months ago about numbness. Here it is for ease of reference...

Just to put that last post in context, it was written just after I had experienced an extended period of numbness: I posted it up as a way of simply coming to terms with the whole experience. I wanted to understand what it happened, and why. I wanted to identify what had triggered it. The Pink Floyd song just summed it up for me!

The odd thing was that, during my 'numbness' experience, I couldn't honesty say that I was, on the whole, particularly unhappy. It was just that I didn't really feel anything. Everything was just kind of neutral, non-descript. A rather bland shade of beige.

I'm coming back to this again as I've gained a new insight in to this in recent weeks. My son has just turned 18 and he's encountering a whole new series of challenges, one after another (social, emotional, physical). And I'm seeing the same sort of thing happen to him. He's struggling to process all of the emotional input. He goes into autopilot, goes into what he calls his 'dog and pony show' routine (when he's going through the motions). Interestingly, he is an introvert, like me. Is there a connection?

I believe so. In searching for clues I have come across plenty of people who are able to share their experiences about introverts and this 'lack of feeling' seems to be remarkably common! Many have asked similar questions. What causes this inner numbness? And how do you fix it?

The key to this for me is in understanding who I am; how God has made me. He made me an introvert; and a highly sensitive one at that. Introverts like myself don't thrive in busy social gatherings; in fact, the whole experience is intensely draining. We then recharge by preciously guarding periods of 'down time'. Time alone, away from distractions.

I must admit, in times of high emotion, I get swamped! Some experiences, emotional highs, can be overwhelming. Yes, the times are great - but enough is enough. And too much is way too much! My times of numbness have usually followed frantic periods of activity, huge chunks of time taken up with crowds of people or loads of interaction, one person after another. I'm running on vapour by the end of the day and simply start 'switching off'. It's automatic, a self-defence mechanism - to combat the constant energy drain, I start to shut down my emotions.

However, I've learnt (often, the hard way!) that this means I need to rest! Start up the next day without being properly rested and I run the risk of these emotions failing to boot up at all! Regularly ignore all the warnings and pretty soon my emotions will be so well hidden that even I won’t know how to find them...

I'm getting better at reading the signs, now I know what it means. It's OK, I just need time to recover. I'll soon be able to feel again.

Comfortably Numb

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?

I've been reading up lately about feeling emotionally numb. Have you ever felt this way?

It's kind of like you can't feel things the same way you used to. Things that used to make you feel happy or content now fail to produce the same sort of positive feelings. Likewise, things that used to provoke feelings of anger or even tears now result in an apathetic response.

Life is just a series of shades of grey...

It's funny. It's not that you can't cope - life just seems to carry on, however things simply don't feel the same anymore. Not sad but not happy. Simply there.

Does that make any sense? Can you relate to this?

There is no pain you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
(lyrics from Pink Floyd - "Comfortably Numb")