Suddenly ....

I don't like 'suddenly'. 

Let's unpack that a bit to give you some context.

When asked to describe myself for a recent church event I included the phrase "I don’t like things to be too busy, too noisy, or too chaotic". 

This week has been all of those things. In the last seven days I have had the following:

• A quiet morning in the office, with only a couple of issues - followed by seven separate problems to solve, all arriving within a fifteen minute period. Just like buses, they all came at once! Do these guys save these problems up, and co-ordinate sending them to me just to annoy? (yes, I did work through them all - it took a couple of hours)
• Then I got some news that a work colleague had suddenly retired. The first I had heard of it was an out-of-office notification sent to someone else that had been forwarded to me. So much for our close working relationship! Guess we weren't that close after all - except when he wanted a favour...
• A meeting I had been planning for three weeks had to be moved into a completely different room and IT setup with less than half a day's notice. No, it didn't go as well as I'd planned. Of course...
• Traffic in the local area is currently appallingly bad. Road closures, road works appearing with no prior notice. Where did those temporary traffic lights come from - they weren't there this morning! No, really, you have to leave yourself an extra half an hour just to get across town! 
• There are other examples, however that gives you an idea of how infuriating things can be this week. All one after another. And all just as sudden. And then - suddenly - it's all back to what it was before. Was it a bad dream? 

When talking to someone about how I felt, he said that I shouldn't be so sensitive. 

Which is a pity. Because that's who God made me. 

See link here .

Be Kind

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (MSG)

Being Sensitive

I used to think that being sensitive meant that I was somehow weak, or broken.  Because, that's what I was told a while ago.

But I'm not.

It just means that I process things a little differently. Give me a snippet of information, and my mind and emotions go to town on that information,  sometimes producing unexpectedly inspired results. It’s how I work. And it works for me.

But it can be overwhelming. I need to take a "time out" every so often, if things get to be a little too much. Take five minutes, re-centre myself, calm down, and come back fighting...

Yes, I have tried to numb it.  To tune it out.  It made me ill. And there's little point in yelling at me to "toughen up!”. (You know who you are). I've tried. It doesn't work.

Because I am sensitive. That's the way God made me. I can't change... Why would I want to?

Perhaps you should learn to deal with it?

Feeling Fine

It's the end of a particularly busy weekend for me.

I think I coped pretty well. Despite the fact that I lost a whole night's sleep on Friday (I was helping out at the Cold Weather Shelter again).

I kept going on Saturday, just to see if I could, and patted myself on the back at how well I was doing. I took a brief nap during Saturday lunchtime (just under 4 hours) and that kept me running until Saturday night, when I slept soundly through to Sunday. Bit tough getting up for church, but there you go.

But it's now Sunday night, and I'm starting to really notice the effects of those missing hours of shut-eye.

I'm definitely ratty. Feelings are all over the place tonight. My mind is really having trouble coping, buzzing away, trying to make sense of every nugget of wisdom, filing every comment and aside that I picked up today. I'm happy, sad, and angry, all at the same time. So sensitive (and I'm a sensitive type anyway)... and trying to record how I feel in this blog, too :)

One scientific explanation is that the emotional centre of my brain (the amygdala) has got hypersensitive due to sleep deprivation, which is why I'm taking in far too much stimuli, and my higher brain functions can't cope and filter.

So - I'm an emotional wreck. And that's why I find it difficult to cope. Behaving less like a grown-up and more like a teenager. Probably because teens get insufficient sleep, too.

I'm fine. But I'm just a bit tired.

I'm off to bed now.

Challenges for 2016

There are always a few challenges that I need to set myself for the New Year. You might consider them New Year Resolutions. Some people call it renewing their commitments.  I just like to think it's a good opportunity to start with a clean sheet of paper once again.... of course, we each have that chance every day, however there's something a bit special about the turning of the year, isn't there...

Anyway, here's a link to a blog that gave me a list of twelve things to consider for 2016. Click on the link if you like to read the original list, before reading my spin on this:

Click here for the link!

So, here's my personal thoughts on this dozen tasks -

1. Stop giving up.
Yes, I know that success only comes when you simply refuse to give up - however it doesn't make it any easier to deal with failure after failure, when you know success is clearly possible, and it remains tantalisingly just out of reach.... However, I like the sentiment, and often echo it with the cry, "Never Give Up, Never Surrender!" (Galaxy Quest)

2. Stop letting everyone else make decisions for you.
I particularly like this one. It resonated quite strongly with me. In fact, I got up on Saturday morning and did something bold and quite the opposite from what I usually do - because I could. I did it for me, and not for anyone else. And it felt so good. Not sure how I am going to deal with the consequences, but right now I am OK with this. Think I'm gonna do this again.  

3. Stop thinking you're on your own.
Hmmm, that's a toughie. Particularly when you have asked for help from certain individuals - and I do vet these people, I simply don't trust everyone -  and then they let me down. Am I a bad judge of character?

4. Stop chasing after those who don't want to be caught.
Good advice. How often have I wasted time on people, waiting for them to get ready to help me with some grand scheme, some incredible master plan, and the darn thing simply doesn't materialise. The people scatter. And you need to start again. Given the right people, and the right project, it will work. I wonder if that's why I often think I'm on my own (see point 3)...

5. Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren't.
It took me a long time to learn to love myself - to understand that I am who God made me - an introvert, and a particularly sensitive one at that. So, this year I have vowed to take care of myself if I want to survive in an extrovert's world. I need to develop more self-respect - and to give myself sufficient space for myself. If I want to be of use to others, I need to look after me.

6. Stop focusing on the negative.
A number of people have said that I need to keep a jar beside my bed, and to write something on a piece of paper every day that's been a positive thing for that day, sticking in into the jar. If I feel negative (and I can do), just look into the jar... OK, like this idea, so the jar's there now. So far, I've two pieces of paper in there (For January 1st and 2nd)... watch this space!!!

7. Stop being hard on yourself.
Sure, everyone makes mistakes, so why do I feel so bad when it's me? Cut myself some slack! You know, I read something the other day that said I ought to consider caring less about my work, not more! And, do you know, when I see other people who don't seem to care that they're not giving 100%, why should I care that I'm not giving 110%?

8. Stop mulling over the past.
Every day is a new day, a clean page in your journal. I get it. (see point 12 below)

9. Stop running from problems.
Understood, the problems won't go away unless you deal with them.

10. Stop expecting life to be easy.
No, it's not. But it's better than the alternative...

11. Stop holding on to things you need to let go.
How can God bless you with something else, if you already have your hands full dealing with everything else in your life. Put something down. When I let go, there may be something better to grab on to...

12. Stop giving up on who you are meant to be.
And there's my absolute challenge for 2016. Now I know who I am now -  I need to discover who God wants me to become in 2016 and beyond. Building on the past, not living in it. And that's exciting....

Too Loud, Man

(title taken from "Banana Boat (Day-O)", the Stan Freberg version of the Jamaican folk song that was released in 1957. It features a bongo-playing beatnik (Peter Leeds) who "don't dig loud noises". Neither do I. Check it out here. )

Modern life is just too loud. It's as if they've turned the volume way up, and then wrecked the controls...

I started thinking about this topic a while ago, debating on why I tend to use headphones while travelling to and from work. Here's the post. I've developed on a bit since then, realised that this is mostly my own particular aversion to noise. So, why am I so sensitive?

There are times when I simply can't stand the cacophony generated from an excessively noisy world. However, it's a little more complicated than that. Of course it is.

Because a good deal of the noise comes from inside my own head.

You see, my mind constantly hums with thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Some of these thoughts get processed in this blog, or get channelled into other writing. A small proportion is kept to myself - heck, I simply daren't share for fear of upsetting anybody... it's between myself and my Lord...

Add to that the background noise of everyday life, and that's why it can get to be overwhelming.

I can't hear myself think.

Perhaps that's why the peace and quiet of camping appeals to me so much... it reduces the input, allows me time to process and digest some of the things that I am thinking about.

It also explains why it takes me a while to drop off to sleep at night. If the hamster running around in my head never rests, neither do I.  I guess that's why my mind gets extra busy right before bedtime, preventing me from dropping off right away...

Anger Management - Of Other People

I touched on this topic briefly last week, in the context of the hot weather. For reasons that are a little tricky to explain at the moment, the problem surfaced again on Saturday, giving me another chance to review my personal feelings on the matter. I didn't want to blog about it again - however, I'm gonna have to. I need to process it, get it off my chest. It's eating me up tonight.

It's all about anger. Specifically, other people's anger. It really upsets me! There's been so much of it lately. Sleepless nights due to the hot weather? Early starts and late finishes due to work commitments? Stress due to deadlines? Who knows the whole story...

Have you ever been in a room with a group of people when you know something is about to "kick off"?  I know that all too well. Most unpleasant.

However - if you know one of the people involved... then for me it becomes personal. You start to feel for them. Feel with them.

It escalates predictably. People start getting tense and raising their voices. They keep telling each other (over and over again) what they're going to do,  consolidating their position, neither side backing down.

I just want them to stop. I'm not afraid - because they're not angry at me. They're angry with each other. But it still rattles me, hours or even days afterwards. It's painful to watch, to be there as it unfolds. I've talked about this before, here's the post. 

And if I know each of them? Care for both of them? A little bit of me dies with each word uttered, with each increase on decibels in the subsequent rant. It just makes me feel ten times worse.

Can we all just get along? (sigh)

Bulletproof?

"This time baby, I'll be bulletproof"
(Lyrics from the song "Bulletproof", written by Elly Jackson, Benedict Langmaid, Ben Langmaid, Eleanor Jackson )

Oh, I'd love to be bulletproof. Just like all those heroes that I have read about in the past. Shots bouncing off me like Superman, the Man of Steel. Clad in armour like Iron Man. Crashing through walls like The Thing. Nothing could phase me. Nothing would stop me.

But I know I'm not. I know from self-analysis that I am quite a sensitive person. That's how God has made me. OK, so that can have its good points. For example, I'm pretty good at the whole empathising bit with people. However, this does tend to make me highly vulnerable. I have to watch this... because I know I am not bulletproof. It makes me think twice - that strong instinct of self-preservation.

I'm coming around to a slightly different way of thinking in recent months. Perhaps I don't need to be bulletproof. 

Sure, I may have to leave myself open to a few of these figurative 'bullets' - but why should I automatically think of that first? I could also make a lot of difference in the lives of others.

Failure is not my only option - what if I succeeded?

Why Life Can Be Overwhelming

Sometimes, it's all just too much. Too much happening. Before long, everything becomes so intense that it all becomes overwhelming.

If this is a feeling that resonates with you, then this post is definitely for you. Because it's okay. Some people are simply more sensitive to certain events than others.

It could be something small. For instance, I find that if there's an overpowering floral scent, I just can't stand it for very long. There are certain perfume shops in the local shopping centre that I simply have to avoid!

It may involve a combination of senses. Perhaps it's just too busy; there's simply too much going on. Things get too intense (too noisy, too cramped) or they go on for far too long. You can stand it for a little while, but after that you simply have to get out of there... that's why some people can last all night at a busy party, while others look for the exit at the earliest opportunity.  I'm definitely in the latter category!

The reason is simple. You're more sensitive to certain stimuli. It's the way you're wired - you reach your saturation point far quicker than other people.

Studies have shown that 'highly sensitive people' (often abbreviated to HSPs) show substantially greater blood flow to relevant brain areas than is seen in individuals with low sensitivity during the same period.

So, there's nothing wrong - it's just the way you're made.

Read up on it, see if this applies to you.

Caring In A Hurting World

There are so many hurting people out there. So many. I simply can't help them all.

Many don't even try. In fact, many choose not to see them. It's as if these are invisible. Individuals that many simply ignore when they walk down the street.

But I try and think differently. I've come to the conclusion that I can do something. So, I do.

And so, as I come across people, people that I think I can develop a rapport with, I do something brave.

I let down my defences. The defences I use to stop myself getting hurt.

It's starts with something as simple as exchanging a name. It's not so easy - it takes a while to build up enough trust to give something as personal as a name. Not easy for me - so I can imagine that it's not easy for them!

Because these aren't the dossers, the low-lifes, the asylum seekers that the popular press keep going on about.

They are Bill, or Sindy, or Frank. It becomes personal.

And as you get to know them well, you realise that they are hurt because of a combination of circumstances. Simply put, because of things that have happened to them.

Just as we are. Often, in the same way.

Hurt by their family
Hurt by their so-called friends.
Hurt by society.

They are really hurting.

The trouble is, this, in turn, starts to hurt me. As I get to know these guys as people, it's increasingly harder not to feel for them. And this starts driving me to do more.

Because I care. And want to care for them.

Professional detachment? Sorry, it's not so easy.

Mark 1:41 (The Message)
Deeply moved, Jesus put out his hand, touched him, and said, "I want to. Be clean."

On Emotions, Feelings and Numbness

This is a follow up to a post I wrote a few months ago about numbness. Here it is for ease of reference...

Just to put that last post in context, it was written just after I had experienced an extended period of numbness: I posted it up as a way of simply coming to terms with the whole experience. I wanted to understand what it happened, and why. I wanted to identify what had triggered it. The Pink Floyd song just summed it up for me!

The odd thing was that, during my 'numbness' experience, I couldn't honesty say that I was, on the whole, particularly unhappy. It was just that I didn't really feel anything. Everything was just kind of neutral, non-descript. A rather bland shade of beige.

I'm coming back to this again as I've gained a new insight in to this in recent weeks. My son has just turned 18 and he's encountering a whole new series of challenges, one after another (social, emotional, physical). And I'm seeing the same sort of thing happen to him. He's struggling to process all of the emotional input. He goes into autopilot, goes into what he calls his 'dog and pony show' routine (when he's going through the motions). Interestingly, he is an introvert, like me. Is there a connection?

I believe so. In searching for clues I have come across plenty of people who are able to share their experiences about introverts and this 'lack of feeling' seems to be remarkably common! Many have asked similar questions. What causes this inner numbness? And how do you fix it?

The key to this for me is in understanding who I am; how God has made me. He made me an introvert; and a highly sensitive one at that. Introverts like myself don't thrive in busy social gatherings; in fact, the whole experience is intensely draining. We then recharge by preciously guarding periods of 'down time'. Time alone, away from distractions.

I must admit, in times of high emotion, I get swamped! Some experiences, emotional highs, can be overwhelming. Yes, the times are great - but enough is enough. And too much is way too much! My times of numbness have usually followed frantic periods of activity, huge chunks of time taken up with crowds of people or loads of interaction, one person after another. I'm running on vapour by the end of the day and simply start 'switching off'. It's automatic, a self-defence mechanism - to combat the constant energy drain, I start to shut down my emotions.

However, I've learnt (often, the hard way!) that this means I need to rest! Start up the next day without being properly rested and I run the risk of these emotions failing to boot up at all! Regularly ignore all the warnings and pretty soon my emotions will be so well hidden that even I won’t know how to find them...

I'm getting better at reading the signs, now I know what it means. It's OK, I just need time to recover. I'll soon be able to feel again.

August Anger

It was very early in the month of August. And I sat and watched the fight unfold before my eyes. A group of four Christians, in reality people that I know pretty well, were squabbling over what was, in hindsight, a minor detail.

Things got heated incredibly quickly - voices and tempers were raised. I wasn't personally involved - but I felt every verbal blow acutely. I felt the pain, even from a distance of thirty feet away.

Some weeks have passed since that event and I still have trouble getting that image out of my mind. However, I've used that as a prompt. Throughout that period I've prayed into it; for the individuals involved. I have even spoken to the injured party, who thought nothing of it. He had simply shrugged off the injury. I couldn't.

I know I am sensitive to that sort of thing. That's how God made me. I am beginning to accept that - and am ready to see where that leads me.

The first place it has led me in back to my knees. Because in 2 Timothy 4:5, Paul told Timothy to be cool, calm and collected - and to keep going. Read it here.

There's also a choice involved. You can be bitter - or you can be better.

Being better means praying for those who hurt you, abuse you. Forgiving them; being a blessing to them. I've read a lot about forgiveness in the past month, too.

Forgive 'em. Leave the rest to God. He'll take care of it.