Walking Through Life ... With Others

I've been reminded today that scripture frequently compares life to a walk. You can find a few of these references here.

Quite understandably. Life is a journey; one that lasts a lifetime. Like it or not, you're never sitting still for long. Enjoy the splendid views that you see, because circumstances will soon change and you'll be moving on again... Endure the rocky paths and harshness, because it's only for a short while. You'll soon move on.

And I get it. I am reminded that I need to walk every step of the way with my Lord. He will never leave me, or forsake me. Walk as He did. Tick the box - got that one.

However, the person whose blog I read today assured me that I'm also told to walk alongside other people.

And that's where he kind of lost me. Where I turned off the computer, and moved on.

Yes, it was the reference to the other people.

Yes, I know that it's safer to walk with others. It's scary to walk alone at night or down a lonely country road. So, if you are in a scary place, taking comfort in companionship through those difficult times surely is the right way. But I often feel unsure of others - until I really, really, get to know them. And that takes time.

Yes, I know it’s supportive. Walking through the problems of life with others keeps you going until you get to the end. But I often feel that these others aren't genuine - that they are using me somehow.

And yes, I know it's smarter. I can learn much more by being on the same path with others. They keep me on the right path, cheer me on when I'm flagging, even giving me a chance to help them when they have problems.

So, here's the bottom line.

Why do I find it difficult to trust others?

Because some of them have hurt me before.

I feel sad tonight.

Risky Business

There's been a lot of discussion over the past week about vulnerability. It has came up in conversation; as part of this week's Bible Study; as a topic in a recent podcast. It's been cropping up pretty much everywhere! 

And I know it's a regular challenge to me!

I'm quite a private person, as I think most of you might know. I try and keep myself to myself. However, I'm also called to make a difference in this world. Which means I need to do a few things that can make me uncomfortable. It's a risky business...

Can these two aspects of my personality coexist?

You see, I don't particularly want to be vulnerable. I feel vulnerable because I've been hurt before - by people who should have known better! However, I have to make that sacrifice if I am to be true to myself. I want to reach out to help others. And this means leaving myself wide open. 

Please don't abuse this.

“I want to experience your vulnerability but I don’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me. I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.” – Brené Brown)

Nothing To Do?

We're entering a bit of a slack period at work. It's nearly holiday time, so things are simply not as busy as they usually are. There is time to breathe. Time to relax. Time to think.

It's awful. And I know why I feel that way.

I'm one of these people who need a degree of formal structure to their day. I like to be busy. Both at work and socially. Take away that structure, that busyness, and I start to struggle.

I've been looking closely at my social life today. And it's very clear to me that even here I've been particularly drawn towards structured activities over the years. Clubs, societies, voluntary work. Working as a steward at a large SF convention or at a church event. I've actually lost count of the number of different voluntary roles I have had.

Don't get me wrong - it has been good. It's taken me to places that I would never have visited without that impetus. And I suppose it has given me more control over my social life. There have been so many committees in my life, voluntary roles that gave me a role to play.

Or perhaps, one to hide behind.

Sure, these things have helped boost my self-confidence, however someone reminded me today that that was only in certain ways. If I take off my volunteer's badge, my steward's jacket, what am I?

Do I start losing my reason for being?
Do I start to drift?
Am I becoming Captain Dunsel?

That's my big fear. Without the safety of that form of structure, at work or socially, I end up a bit... well... lost. The world becomes a bit of a scary place. I'm exposed; vulnerable. In extreme cases I may end up without a clue what to say, or even how to behave...

I know quite a bit about time management, how to structure my day to maximise output, achieving deadlines which seem to get tighter and tighter. I pat myself on the back when I scrape under the wire to smash yet another tight deadline... squeezing another little job for someone into an already packed day.

What my real challenge is...

...is slowing down to do stuff for me.

Even when I have an evening off, I usually end up doing some little job or another. I start feeling guilty if I do something for me and mine. I really do.

It's something that I will be unpacking over the next few weeks. When I will have much more time on my hands... And it's my free time.

Bulletproof?

"This time baby, I'll be bulletproof"
(Lyrics from the song "Bulletproof", written by Elly Jackson, Benedict Langmaid, Ben Langmaid, Eleanor Jackson )

Oh, I'd love to be bulletproof. Just like all those heroes that I have read about in the past. Shots bouncing off me like Superman, the Man of Steel. Clad in armour like Iron Man. Crashing through walls like The Thing. Nothing could phase me. Nothing would stop me.

But I know I'm not. I know from self-analysis that I am quite a sensitive person. That's how God has made me. OK, so that can have its good points. For example, I'm pretty good at the whole empathising bit with people. However, this does tend to make me highly vulnerable. I have to watch this... because I know I am not bulletproof. It makes me think twice - that strong instinct of self-preservation.

I'm coming around to a slightly different way of thinking in recent months. Perhaps I don't need to be bulletproof. 

Sure, I may have to leave myself open to a few of these figurative 'bullets' - but why should I automatically think of that first? I could also make a lot of difference in the lives of others.

Failure is not my only option - what if I succeeded?

Too Much Or Not Enough?

I've been looking at the '40 Acts of Kindness' resource since Lent started a few days ago. There is a link to it here. And already I've encountered a specific and definite challenge... a need for me to reexamine the whole concept of generosity. This was underlined by the message at my home Corps today (although my minister didn't know I had this very post in draft)...

It's a good thing to be known for being generous. However, I know that many people feel they can't give as much as they would like. Either in terms of money, or by using time or talents voluntarily. I get to hear this sort of thing on a regular basis - usually on those days when I am out fundraising.

However, I was challenged the other day with a thought that generosity can often connected to power - and that has started to trouble me just a little bit...

• Does my generosity to others stem from true compassion, or simply from a need to be respected or valued? To have the moral high ground? 
• Am I doing it because everyone else is?
• Do I give just to make me feel good? A warm feeling at the end of the day?

Being truly generous makes you vulnerable. Every penny you give to others is one you can't spend on your own needs. Give away just a little too much, and you run the risk of not having enough to feed or clothe yourself...

Or, thinking in terms of time, can you get so busy looking after others that you are often neglecting your own needs? Leaving yourself out? Neglecting your own household, your own family?

And so the big question is - how much is too much?

I must admit that I suffer from feelings of  confusion here; of embarrassment; of guilt; of vulnerability. I want to make a difference. I try and give what I can but am constantly challenged to give more; to do much more. I want to be a blessing to others. I realise that my generosity is my own choice; however it is one that can often upset others (I get asked at least once a week "why do you give up so much of your own free time doing this?"). Yes, I get criticised for what I do. I have been hurt quite deeply in the past.

So, is it just for my own self-gratification? OK, let's take that out of the equation. It's tricky - being a member of a uniformed organisation makes you awfully visible. However, over the last three years I have tried to keep some my own acts of generosity quiet. It can be difficult (some people find out and take time to tell me off later!).  However, I have found that is remarkably effective. But is that right? Jesus taught us to "not let the left hand know what the right hand is doing" (Matthew 6:3). Still trying to work through this concept...

Is it because I want to feel good? Still working on that one... but as long as the main reason is to make others feel better, surely I am on the right lines...

And another thing... A reading the other day highlighted another fact: that I can only give because God has first given to me. I can't give what I haven't got. But I can give what I have.

It concluded that giving is inseparably linked to receiving; Therefore I can only begin to be used by God to meet another’s need whilst I am allowing God to meet my own. And that means admitting my own vulnerability (something that I find extremely difficult)...

Hmmm... comments welcomed...