Suddenly ....

I don't like 'suddenly'. 

Let's unpack that a bit to give you some context.

When asked to describe myself for a recent church event I included the phrase "I don’t like things to be too busy, too noisy, or too chaotic". 

This week has been all of those things. In the last seven days I have had the following:

• A quiet morning in the office, with only a couple of issues - followed by seven separate problems to solve, all arriving within a fifteen minute period. Just like buses, they all came at once! Do these guys save these problems up, and co-ordinate sending them to me just to annoy? (yes, I did work through them all - it took a couple of hours)
• Then I got some news that a work colleague had suddenly retired. The first I had heard of it was an out-of-office notification sent to someone else that had been forwarded to me. So much for our close working relationship! Guess we weren't that close after all - except when he wanted a favour...
• A meeting I had been planning for three weeks had to be moved into a completely different room and IT setup with less than half a day's notice. No, it didn't go as well as I'd planned. Of course...
• Traffic in the local area is currently appallingly bad. Road closures, road works appearing with no prior notice. Where did those temporary traffic lights come from - they weren't there this morning! No, really, you have to leave yourself an extra half an hour just to get across town! 
• There are other examples, however that gives you an idea of how infuriating things can be this week. All one after another. And all just as sudden. And then - suddenly - it's all back to what it was before. Was it a bad dream? 

When talking to someone about how I felt, he said that I shouldn't be so sensitive. 

Which is a pity. Because that's who God made me. 

See link here .

M is for Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a technique you can learn to be fully present and engaged in the moment without judging anything. It can help you manage your thoughts, feelings and mental health.

When my feelings seem to overwhelm me, when I can't tell what is true and what isn't, when my emotions drown out the voice of sanity... I can stop and press the reset button! I'm just learning my way through this technique at the moment so am not particularly good at this - however it has already helped me.

It may well help you. 

Rather Sad, Really

I stopped off on the way home from work tonight to buy a cable for the computer at home. I searched through the many accessories they had at the big superstore; regretfully they didn't have just what I needed.

The shop that did have what I wanted was the adjacent Maplin store - which was due to be shut down in ten days time as the store was now in liquidation. And this was despite the fact that the shop had been decimated in anticipation of its coming closure. I could still pull exactly when I needed off the shelf.

I was happy to get what I wanted, however overwhelmingly saddened when I realised that this was probably the last time I could shop at this store.

I felt really bad as I handed the money over to the guy on the till. A guy who would soon be out of work.

The whole thing was rather sad, really. I'm still feeling quite down about the whole experience.

Enjoy The Ride?

As I mentioned last week, sometimes it feels like life is a roller-coaster.

However, don't get me wrong. I'm not so concerned about the ups and downs. Because it's not so much that I want things to be going well all of the time. I know that life isn't like that. You have good days and you have bad days. Wouldn't it rather boring if all the days were the same?

No, it's more the speed that I'm taking the corners at... the sheer pace of life. That's the bit that I can often find to be overwhelming ...

The ups and the downs are all part of the ride. However, it's when it's all coming all at once, there is little time to get ready for what's about to happen next. That's when I find it tough...

Life is like a roller-coaster. It has its ups and downs.
But it’s your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

I'm trying to enjoy the ride. :)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28

Emotional Roller-Coaster

Boy, what a weekend!

Since leaving work on Friday, here is a list of  pretty much everything that happened since then. It's Monday morning when I draft this and I'm feeling emotionally drained... these are the events in alphabetical order, not order of occurrence...

• A night out with my Street Pastors team, and the corresponding lack of sleep
• Avengers: Infinity War (if you've seen the film, you'll understand...)
• Being turned away from my favourite restaurant as the girl said the kitchen staff simply couldn't cope with the backlog of orders. And where did we end up? … see below
• Doing the paperwork in preparation of our church administration meeting - which then had to be rearranged 
• Having the cinema projector break down after ten minutes of Infinity War starting. There was a further ten minute delay while they fixed it. And they restarted it again from the beginning, making a very long film - even longer!
• Purchasing the most expensive meal of burgers and fries that I had ever ordered! (this was where we ended up after not getting into my first choice of restaurant…) And I can't say I could taste the difference in the price. In fact, the fries simply weren't that good… not going there again!
• Sickness in the house - at one stage, thinking we might need an ambulance, then relief that it wasn't necessary, and then caring for the individual until they felt better. Was that food poisoning from the above restaurant? Not sure...
• Sorting out a current account at my bank for my youngest as she starts work
• The partial demolition of a local power station, less than a mile away. By explosion. At 11pm on a Saturday night!
• Waiting for a promised call from a double glazing company, which never arrived...

I've cut the usual weekly activities out, this is just what I did on top of 'business as usual'. I need a holiday... or a less eventful weekend!

Context Is Everything

Do you ever wonder why, sometimes, you simply don't quite 'get it'? Yep, that's been me quite a bit recently. I haven't really been feeling 100% lately, a whole host of things have happened that have knocked me back a bit. I know I have had quite a lot on my mind. I've been trying to work through the various problems however that hasn't helped how I have felt; it just left me overwhelmed and overtired and, quite frankly, 'zonked'. It's obvious to some people that I wasn't quite right, they could tell by the way I reacted. I didn't quite get the joke; I didn't seem to react to the usual 'cues', or suddenly 'over-reacted' spectacularly when something unpleasant happens.

Had a day off today - therefore I had a moment or two to take stock. I began to realise that I seem to have lost the context to my life.

I watched an episode of QI recently which neatly illustrated an aspect of this. It depicted a shark, swimming towards the camera, with the music from Jaws playing menacingly in the background, What was the scariest part of the whole clip? The close up on the shark's teeth? The anticipation of the approach of the creature? Nope, it was the music. They played the same clip with different music, and it wasn't the same...

And that's been me. The music hasn't been right. Do you know, I used to wish that I could say my life sounded like this at the moment. But it doesn't.  (and I'm not sure I could take too much of that sort of soundtrack either!)

I have been yearning and yearning to make some drastic changes in my life.

However, I now know that's not in fact what I want. What I need is to get my life back into context.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without fault and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

I've tried to lean too much on my own knowledge and understanding to deal with the issues in my life. And it didn't work. I need God's wisdom in my life. However, I also need to get God's discernment in my life, so I can tell the difference between the wisdom of God and the whispers of the enemy. Both are evident in my life at the moment. I need to tell them apart! It's so hard... I can't tell if people are trying to help me or to lead me astray...

I wrote a little while ago about Rhema, and the little light that suddenly came on in my life. To be honest, it's that little light that is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. That was God's voice, I know that for sure. Everything else is in doubt.

Dear Lord, times are really hard right now.  I really need to hear Your voice. Give me the discernment so I can hear Your voice and Your voice alone. I need Your wisdom. Speak to me in the way You know I will hear You best. Your Will be done, Lord. 

In Jesus Name, I pray. 
Amen.

Being Sensitive

I used to think that being sensitive meant that I was somehow weak, or broken.  Because, that's what I was told a while ago.

But I'm not.

It just means that I process things a little differently. Give me a snippet of information, and my mind and emotions go to town on that information,  sometimes producing unexpectedly inspired results. It’s how I work. And it works for me.

But it can be overwhelming. I need to take a "time out" every so often, if things get to be a little too much. Take five minutes, re-centre myself, calm down, and come back fighting...

Yes, I have tried to numb it.  To tune it out.  It made me ill. And there's little point in yelling at me to "toughen up!”. (You know who you are). I've tried. It doesn't work.

Because I am sensitive. That's the way God made me. I can't change... Why would I want to?

Perhaps you should learn to deal with it?

Too Loud, Man

(title taken from "Banana Boat (Day-O)", the Stan Freberg version of the Jamaican folk song that was released in 1957. It features a bongo-playing beatnik (Peter Leeds) who "don't dig loud noises". Neither do I. Check it out here. )

Modern life is just too loud. It's as if they've turned the volume way up, and then wrecked the controls...

I started thinking about this topic a while ago, debating on why I tend to use headphones while travelling to and from work. Here's the post. I've developed on a bit since then, realised that this is mostly my own particular aversion to noise. So, why am I so sensitive?

There are times when I simply can't stand the cacophony generated from an excessively noisy world. However, it's a little more complicated than that. Of course it is.

Because a good deal of the noise comes from inside my own head.

You see, my mind constantly hums with thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Some of these thoughts get processed in this blog, or get channelled into other writing. A small proportion is kept to myself - heck, I simply daren't share for fear of upsetting anybody... it's between myself and my Lord...

Add to that the background noise of everyday life, and that's why it can get to be overwhelming.

I can't hear myself think.

Perhaps that's why the peace and quiet of camping appeals to me so much... it reduces the input, allows me time to process and digest some of the things that I am thinking about.

It also explains why it takes me a while to drop off to sleep at night. If the hamster running around in my head never rests, neither do I.  I guess that's why my mind gets extra busy right before bedtime, preventing me from dropping off right away...

Why Life Can Be Overwhelming

Sometimes, it's all just too much. Too much happening. Before long, everything becomes so intense that it all becomes overwhelming.

If this is a feeling that resonates with you, then this post is definitely for you. Because it's okay. Some people are simply more sensitive to certain events than others.

It could be something small. For instance, I find that if there's an overpowering floral scent, I just can't stand it for very long. There are certain perfume shops in the local shopping centre that I simply have to avoid!

It may involve a combination of senses. Perhaps it's just too busy; there's simply too much going on. Things get too intense (too noisy, too cramped) or they go on for far too long. You can stand it for a little while, but after that you simply have to get out of there... that's why some people can last all night at a busy party, while others look for the exit at the earliest opportunity.  I'm definitely in the latter category!

The reason is simple. You're more sensitive to certain stimuli. It's the way you're wired - you reach your saturation point far quicker than other people.

Studies have shown that 'highly sensitive people' (often abbreviated to HSPs) show substantially greater blood flow to relevant brain areas than is seen in individuals with low sensitivity during the same period.

So, there's nothing wrong - it's just the way you're made.

Read up on it, see if this applies to you.

An Important Question

Will God ever allow His people to experience hardship, danger, or suffering as they work for Him?

Quite possibly.

Let's face it, He can put His people into some very tough places. Surrounded with a whole host of unlovely things. Unlovely people. Getting right in there to make a difference, to bring them hope.

It can - and will - be difficult.

People usually like to comfort themselves with the comment that “...God won’t give you more than you can handle."

Well, let's unpack that for a bit. Firstly, the Bible doesn't mention that at all.  The nearest we get to this is a quotation came from 1 Corinthians 10:13, “When you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (NIV).

However, the context of these words is related to temptation. We can’t choose a way out of danger or suffering.

It's a platitude, a bit like "it'll be all right". It's a phrase designed to make people feel better.

I am reminded that Jesus prayed earnestly for a way out of His suffering. Here's what He said to His disciples: "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." And then He said, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt. 26:38-39).

Yet He willingly went through this for us, for our salvation.

When life seems too much to bear, that’s when we can throw ourselves on God’s mercy, and He holds on to us. God is with us every step of the way. And God will provide us the strength to make it through.

Because sometimes life does throw at us more than we can handle.

Overthinking - and Dealing With It

My name is Colin and I like to think.

I'm told this is increasingly rare nowadays. There's definitely a bit of a social taboo prevalent in modern society about thinking too deeply about anything.

I'm different, because I'm not made that way. For me, the problem is simply knowing when to stop. The best way that I can describe it is with the attached picture, found on the 'net.

I'll come in of an evening and I'll find it incredibly difficult to stop thinking through the things that have happened in my day. I might be mulling over something that happened; a new place I have been to; someone new I have met, some interesting fact that I've picked up; a conversation shared. Something or other will dominate my thinking.

My mind refuses to rest until I've processed whatever it is. If I come in too late in the evening, I find it very hard to slow down enough to sleep. I'll toss and turn, listening to my own internal dialogue reviewing my day over and over. Until it's all neatly in place. Until I've closed that last tab and shut down for the night.

I have read up a little on this. The human brain is created with the capacity to make billions of neural connections every minute and to soak up information like a sponge. Sir Kenneth Robinson claimed in a recent talk that children start to lose this ability once they enter the formal education system. He concludes that it's we teach them to fear being wrong. Eventually, children slowly stop offering their own creative, out-of-the-box ideas. True creativity is removed from the agenda.

Nevertheless, the adult mind is constantly gathering information in all sorts of ways - formal, informal, gossip, hearsay. If we have too much information at hand (and let's face it, in modern society information overload is easy!), our minds get overwhelmed. Add to that the fear of being wrong, is it any wonder that people choose either:

• to limit their choices (not to think too deeply)
• to explore their choices (ending up with a tendency to overthink)

___________________________________

Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day. 
Arthur Dent: And are you? 
Slartibartfast: Ah, no. [laughs] Well, that's where it all falls down, of course. 
(lines from 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy)

___________________________________

A lot of friends are aware of my tendency to overthink and suggest ways to help me, I'm keen to work on this too - not to stop thinking, but to discipline my thinking, and particularly to ensure that I can still hear God's voice and encouragement rather that my own internal dialogue.

More in part two, later this week

Living A Changed Life

The passages of scripture that I have read over this summer about Jesus' life and teachings continue to challenge me, making me feel decidedly uneasy on occasions. And that, I understand, is a good thing... because there's so much He has to teach me about living life... differently. There's always something new to learn.

In fact, He has so much to teach each of us... if you have ears to hear...

So, after my summer break, it's time to focus once again on leaving my own personal comfort zone - setting out on hitting some of my goals for the future. Picking myself up from the failures of the past (and there's been quite a few in recent weeks) and trying again. Because, next time, the results may be different...

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." ― Winston Churchill

"Instead of doing nothing because I’m overwhelmed, today I will do something, even if it’s small, because it will be one step closer to my goal." - Anon

Not A Good Place

My regular readers will be well aware of the fact that I struggle with my moods. Other folk will simply say that there are days when I "don't seem to be in a good place". So I thought I would sit down and jot down exactly how things appear to me when I'm having one of my bad days; perhaps that might throw a bit of light on what exactly goes on in my head. There were a couple of days earlier this month... so I've taken the opportunity to study the way I feel, objectively.

What sets it off? Oh, I think I've worked that one out. The last few 'bouts' have occurred either on the day or even a day or two after I've had a really busy period. Occasions when I have been 'pushing it' - working just a little too hard, going just a little too long without a break. OK, then, overdoing it! However I doesn't happen every time - and often I find it's something really small and insignificant that just tips the balance. A small comment, maybe. The straw that breaks the camel's back?

The best word I can come up with to describe how I can feel during one of these bouts is "overwhelmed". Little problems can seem to be big ones; big problems are just too much. I start to brood - have you ever seen Michael Fassbender's terrific portrayal of Erik in "X-Men First Class"? That same brooding silence that you see in one of the early scenes, when Erik manipulates the coin between his fingers. I struggle against the mood, try to make sense of it.

However, I don't lose my faith on these occasions. It's been well proven to me that the Lord is in the darkness with me. I'm not alone. I am never alone. I seek out my Father's presence as I pray into my situation, crying out for a break, wanting something to change. The feeling claws at me, clinging to my legs as it tries to pull me down. It feels like I'm struggling through mud, or clay. My body aches, I'm far more sensitive to pain than usual. In the meantime I try to maintain "business as usual" but some days even the normal routine seems exceptionally difficult. Even easy tasks get increasingly hard. However, I still carry on. It shouldn't last long... Doesn't usually.

There's something else, though. During this time something odd happens. I become acutely aware of other people, of their behaviour. The fact they are saying to one thing to one person, something totally different to another. It's a bit like I'm in a soap opera, and not a particularly good one. And I am an unwilling and remote observer, hypersensitive to detail. If I feel I can, I'll try to do something, anything, to make a difference. When I try to do the right thing, more often than not, it fails. Was it meant to be? I sigh, try to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I just sit there and watch as the inevitable unfolds before me.

When my mood subsides and the bout is finally over, I begin to think freely again. Invariably I will try and do something dynamic, perhaps even a little out of character, just to kick-start some energy back into my life. Get myself moving again! I launch into frantic activity - start to plan, even start to blog more.

Does any of this make any sense?

Inadequate Resources

Mark 6:30-44 (New International Version)
30 The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. 31 Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

32 So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. 33 But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. 34 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

35 By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. "This is a remote place," they said, "and it's already very late. 36 Send the people away so they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat."

37 But he answered, "You give them something to eat." They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?" 38 "How many loaves do you have?" he asked. "Go and see." When they found out, they said, "Five-and two fish."

39 Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. 41 Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. 44 The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

It’s quite interesting to recall from this story that there wasn't any hesitation here about feeding the crowd -Jesus simply gave the job to His disciples to do! They would have really struggled with this. They were hungry too, because even they hadn’t found the time to eat (verse 31). They simply didn't have the resources to feed themselves, let alone the crowd. And Jesus knew it... The disciples' reaction was a common one, a human one. To give up. It's hopeless. It can’t be done, make them go away (verse 36).

Being a disciple will often lead us into situations where we don’t have the means to meet a particular need -however, He tells us to trust Him, and to do it anyway.

Do you, like me, sometimes feel overwhelmed with your current circumstances? Then take a tip from the disciples. Let Go and Let God. Let Him do His work. Focus on God, not on the problem. He has the resources that you lack; He can take the little that you have and make it a lot.

“God’s work, done in God’s way never lacks God’s resources.” - J Hudson Taylor