Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
(song by The Beatles - Writers John Lennon/Paul McCartney)

We have escaped like a bird from the fowler’s snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped...
Psalm 124:7 (New International Version)

...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

(The answer to prayer that I received this morning. This post had been in draft on my blog for a couple of years - today, it would appear, is the day to post it. Not sure why. Thank you, Lord. ) 

Saturday Catch-Up - 2nd March 2019

Lord, I'm not feeling at my best this week. To be brutally honest.

I've been trying to keep going, to keep moving, trying to lift my mood where I can. It's been... difficult. I feel that I'm running on empty. I often feel that I've simply been going through the motions.

I've been trying to push myself through the barriers caused by my negative feelings, through the lethargy. My life is quite dark at the moment.

Lord, all I can do is affirm the goodness of life and try to hold on to you until the darkness that I see is replaced by your light and love.

I know that I am loved. Life will be beautiful again. Soon, I will see it once again. Help me to see it.

I need you to be my strength and salvation. I need you to restore me and make me whole.

Fill me with your Word and your Spirit that I might be recreated anew.

Amen.

Please take me away from here...

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep...
(lyrics from "Fireflies" by Owl City)

This is a scarily honest post, be warned. Scary for me.

I've had more than a few visits to the hospital last month with a mystery eye problem. So many that I ended up scaring myself and many, many others who know me and care for me. I'm sorry about that. I really appreciate those of you who reached out to me on email and on social media with prayer support. And my family thanks you, too.

Like the lyric says, I didn't want to be where I ended up. Still don't want to be here, but then why not me? None of us are immune from illness... And sometimes I felt awfully alone. There were too many scenarios to choose from, many involving the treat of major surgery and even worse. I felt quite down sometimes...

However, when things were darkest, and when I really needed Him, God was amazingly and powerfully there with me. He assured me that He was with me, and I need not be scared. The care I received from St Thomas's Hospital in Central London was excellent. I know I am in the best of hands - in God's hands and in safe hands with this hospital...

The treatment I am now on threatens me with mood swings and insomnia (both things I am all too familiar with in my normal life), so I suspect that I will need to take care not to push myself too far - in the month where many Salvationists are out there, going the extra mile to collect for The Big Collection. [sigh]

I would be right there with you. Next year, maybe. Right now, I need to be taking a bit of a back seat.

If I am up all night tonight I'll be praying for you all collecting. I may as well, I'll be awake anyway...

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

    to be out of your sight?

If I climb to the sky, you’re there!

    If I go underground, you’re there!

If I flew on morning’s wings

    to the far western horizon,

You’d find me in a minute—

    you’re already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

    At night I’m immersed in the light!”

It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;

    night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

(Psalm 139 7-12 : The Message translation)

A Light Switched On

I read something today that really changed my outlook on my week. And I'm glad it did.

It's not been a great week for me, to be honest with you. Challenge after challenge, one problem after another. I've carried on regardless, but eventually this rubbish week took its toll on me. I've ended up feeling frustrated, and even bitter about what had happened (and I thought I had dealt with you, Bitterness, my old adversary). I was about as low as I could get. I wasn't exactly thrust into darkness, but life was pretty gloomy...

I sought refuge in prayer, desperately holding one to at least one aspect of my relationship with my Father in Heaven.

And today, it was like a light had switched on.

I was reading a passage about how prayer works, which explained that God speaks to His people in many ways (of course - He's God, and infinitely creative - He can use any of a hundred thousand ways to speak to His people).

Through the Bible, God speaks generally — the Word of God to everyone — and that is what scholars call logos.

He also speaks personally to individuals through His Word, and that’s rhema. God can choose to illuminate certain passages, to show how it can apply to us, or to teach us something new. Point us in the right direction.

And that's when the light switched on. (Click)

Suddenly, all the things I had been listening to today in church started to fit into place, started to make sense to me. I began to come alive again. The light level in the room went up three notches.

Thanks, Lord!

"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth."
John 16:13a (NIVUK)

D is for Darkness

How dark is it when you live without hope, without justice, without freedom? There is a light, though. Can you see it?

The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.
John 1:4-5

The Light Dawns

I was acutely aware of the topic that I needed to blog about today. It was very clear in my mind.

Darkness and light.

One daily reading that hit my inbox today reminded me that “You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness” (Psalm 91:5-6). It assured me of my need for Jesus, the Light of the World (John 8:12).

All this I know.

But do I truly believe it? Live it out?

The pic was taken during Session 4 of the Boundless congress. Technical wizardry caused my wristband to glow.

But do I glow? Do I shine for Him?

Do I make a difference in a very dark world?

I certainly want to. I try very hard to. 

Commissioner Jane Paone's message on that day was encouraging us to shine. Not like a small candle, but like a streetlight. Bright and bold.

I am not sure I can do bold. 

I do what I can. And I am encouraged to do it as brightly as I can.

Darkness

John 1:5 (NIV)

The light shines in the darkness,and the darkness has not overcome* it.

(* some versions translate this as understood)

Not A Good Place

My regular readers will be well aware of the fact that I struggle with my moods. Other folk will simply say that there are days when I "don't seem to be in a good place". So I thought I would sit down and jot down exactly how things appear to me when I'm having one of my bad days; perhaps that might throw a bit of light on what exactly goes on in my head. There were a couple of days earlier this month... so I've taken the opportunity to study the way I feel, objectively.

What sets it off? Oh, I think I've worked that one out. The last few 'bouts' have occurred either on the day or even a day or two after I've had a really busy period. Occasions when I have been 'pushing it' - working just a little too hard, going just a little too long without a break. OK, then, overdoing it! However I doesn't happen every time - and often I find it's something really small and insignificant that just tips the balance. A small comment, maybe. The straw that breaks the camel's back?

The best word I can come up with to describe how I can feel during one of these bouts is "overwhelmed". Little problems can seem to be big ones; big problems are just too much. I start to brood - have you ever seen Michael Fassbender's terrific portrayal of Erik in "X-Men First Class"? That same brooding silence that you see in one of the early scenes, when Erik manipulates the coin between his fingers. I struggle against the mood, try to make sense of it.

However, I don't lose my faith on these occasions. It's been well proven to me that the Lord is in the darkness with me. I'm not alone. I am never alone. I seek out my Father's presence as I pray into my situation, crying out for a break, wanting something to change. The feeling claws at me, clinging to my legs as it tries to pull me down. It feels like I'm struggling through mud, or clay. My body aches, I'm far more sensitive to pain than usual. In the meantime I try to maintain "business as usual" but some days even the normal routine seems exceptionally difficult. Even easy tasks get increasingly hard. However, I still carry on. It shouldn't last long... Doesn't usually.

There's something else, though. During this time something odd happens. I become acutely aware of other people, of their behaviour. The fact they are saying to one thing to one person, something totally different to another. It's a bit like I'm in a soap opera, and not a particularly good one. And I am an unwilling and remote observer, hypersensitive to detail. If I feel I can, I'll try to do something, anything, to make a difference. When I try to do the right thing, more often than not, it fails. Was it meant to be? I sigh, try to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I just sit there and watch as the inevitable unfolds before me.

When my mood subsides and the bout is finally over, I begin to think freely again. Invariably I will try and do something dynamic, perhaps even a little out of character, just to kick-start some energy back into my life. Get myself moving again! I launch into frantic activity - start to plan, even start to blog more.

Does any of this make any sense?

From Darkness Into Light

I have been extremely privileged to be a part of this year's Territorial Congress in London, entitled 'I'll Fight'. This is of course a reference to William Booth's famous speech which he gave to a large gathering at the Royal Albert Hall in May 1912. A century after that event comes this very Congress, and the current General, Linda Bond, opened the proceedings this evening with those very same words in the very same venue:

"While women weep, as they do now, I'll fight; while children go hungry, as they do now I'll fight; while men go to prison, in and out, in and out, as they do now, I'll fight; while there is a drunkard left, while there is a poor lost girl upon the streets, while there remains one dark soul without the light of God, I'll fight, I'll fight to the very end!"

I was particularly challenged by the sentiment, realising that we as a movement - and therefore, myself as a member of that movement, are called to the dark places of society, the dens of iniquity, the haunts of sin and shame. This clearly aren't comfortable places to be. But where else can I be if I want to be true to my beliefs? And how can I ever handle that darkness that threatens to overwhelm? A darkness that I know too well...

By carrying the light within me. The Light Of The World.

Much to mull over tonight.

Looking For The Light

"...there's a light at the end of the tunnel 
There's a light at the end of the tunnel 
The inside might be as black as the night 
But at the end of the tunnel there's a light."
(from Starlight Express - music by Andrew Lloyd Webber, lyrics by Richard Stilgoe)

This week's turning out to be quite a dark one. After struggling with my 'sense of humour failure' last weekend, other things have happened in the last few days that have... complicated matters. I try to rise above it, laugh it off, but this week there's so many issues; they threaten to overwhelm me.

I'm very reliant on my Lord this week to see me through.
He assures me that there is, indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel.
I believe Him.
But it's so dark that I just can't see it yet.
I strain to see... but I think I have lost my bearings.
I can't see which way to look.Which way?

I can't see it yet, but I know it's there. I know there's a light.

Psalm 107:13-16 (NIV)  
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,and broke away their chains. 
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, 
for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

Must Try Harder

"Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all"

(SASB 136, verse 4 - lyrics by Isaac Watts)

The last verse from 'When I Survey The Wondrous Cross' echoes through my mind tonight as I write this blog entry. I am trying hard to get down what I feel while it is still fresh in my thinking.

We've been reflecting on periods of 'darkness' during this week as part of our Lent reflections, preparing us for Easter which is just around the corner. I must admit to times when I struggle with my own times of darkness, fighting my own inadequacies, bouts of foul mood. I have certainly felt it this weekend. I try my best, however it never seems to be good enough and I end up feeling frustrated. I do some preparation for use during the weekend but at the end of the day it simply wasn't up to scratch. I battle on, trying to go the extra mile for people and end up feeling physically drained as a result. I can't even seem to press the right button on a keyboard when I have to. Why is this part of my Christian walk seem to be uphill most of the time? Feeling very weary tonight.

And then I hear stories about followers of Jesus who win through despite worse conditions that I suffer. Heroes from within my own church who excel, who do wonderful things. Contemporary saints who face physical danger and even death to help others and to tell others about their faith.

I feel so inadequate. I end up giving myself 3 out of 10, 'must try harder'. I want to be out there with these 'heroes', doing what they are doing, but it all goes awry. Praying hard tonight, as I certainly echo Jesus' words, here:

Matthew 26:41

(New International Version, ©2011)

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Darkest Before The Dawn

There’s an old saying that has been handed down to us across the years. "It’s always darkest before the dawn." If you think this phrase refers solely to the daily transition of night into morning, then I'm sorry to say it’s just not true. If you've been up and about at that time (as I have) then you'll see that there’s quite a brightening on the horizon before the actual sunrise – and even if you count "dawn" from when the light level starts increasing, it’s still not necessarily darker then than any other time during the night. The darkest time of the night is on those occasions when the moon isn't out - it's amazing how we miss even that softer gleam on those nights. Moonlight is, as you will know, sunlight which is reflected from the moon's surface. It's not as bright as light from the sun, but it does help.

If you consider this particular saying in a purely spiritual sense, then this phrase may be spot on. It tends to be when things get really dark that you really miss that light; when you realise you need to seek some assistance. If you're one of those folk who tend to suffer from depression or are going through a difficult time, chances are you've heard this phrase given as encouragement. Just hang on a bit longer, it'll soon be dawn...

Here's another way of looking at it. You don't have to sit around and wait for the dawn. That may be a long time. In the winter months, night can seem to go on and on forever. Why not set out to bring the light into your life! Let it illuminate your situation and brighten up your mood. There's nothing to beat the warmth of a sunrise, particularly when you've been waiting for a long period of night to end. But even a small glimmer of light can cheer us - even the light from the moon can provide enough illumination for us to see the way we ought to go.

John 8:12 (New International Version, ©2010)
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Jesus is the light that you need to seek. Fellow christians may provide you with some immediate illumination, however the light that we offer is light reflected from the Son. It's not as bright as light from the Son, but it does help.