Saturday Catch-Up - 2nd March 2019

Lord, I'm not feeling at my best this week. To be brutally honest.

I've been trying to keep going, to keep moving, trying to lift my mood where I can. It's been... difficult. I feel that I'm running on empty. I often feel that I've simply been going through the motions.

I've been trying to push myself through the barriers caused by my negative feelings, through the lethargy. My life is quite dark at the moment.

Lord, all I can do is affirm the goodness of life and try to hold on to you until the darkness that I see is replaced by your light and love.

I know that I am loved. Life will be beautiful again. Soon, I will see it once again. Help me to see it.

I need you to be my strength and salvation. I need you to restore me and make me whole.

Fill me with your Word and your Spirit that I might be recreated anew.

Amen.

Please take me away from here...

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep...
(lyrics from "Fireflies" by Owl City)

This is a scarily honest post, be warned. Scary for me.

I've had more than a few visits to the hospital last month with a mystery eye problem. So many that I ended up scaring myself and many, many others who know me and care for me. I'm sorry about that. I really appreciate those of you who reached out to me on email and on social media with prayer support. And my family thanks you, too.

Like the lyric says, I didn't want to be where I ended up. Still don't want to be here, but then why not me? None of us are immune from illness... And sometimes I felt awfully alone. There were too many scenarios to choose from, many involving the treat of major surgery and even worse. I felt quite down sometimes...

However, when things were darkest, and when I really needed Him, God was amazingly and powerfully there with me. He assured me that He was with me, and I need not be scared. The care I received from St Thomas's Hospital in Central London was excellent. I know I am in the best of hands - in God's hands and in safe hands with this hospital...

The treatment I am now on threatens me with mood swings and insomnia (both things I am all too familiar with in my normal life), so I suspect that I will need to take care not to push myself too far - in the month where many Salvationists are out there, going the extra mile to collect for The Big Collection. [sigh]

I would be right there with you. Next year, maybe. Right now, I need to be taking a bit of a back seat.

If I am up all night tonight I'll be praying for you all collecting. I may as well, I'll be awake anyway...

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

    to be out of your sight?

If I climb to the sky, you’re there!

    If I go underground, you’re there!

If I flew on morning’s wings

    to the far western horizon,

You’d find me in a minute—

    you’re already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

    At night I’m immersed in the light!”

It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;

    night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

(Psalm 139 7-12 : The Message translation)

Y is for Yes

In whatever situation we find ourselves, God expects His children to be straight-forward with their words or actions. We aren't supposed to be 'grey', 'wishy-washy' or 'lukewarm' in what we do or say.

We are supposed to be people who speak plainly and truthfully, a straight-forward answer to a straight-forward question. And we are supposed to act in the same way.

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.
Matthew 5:37 (ESV)

I is for Integrity

Integrity is defined as: "the quality or state of having strong moral principles; showing honesty and sincerity".

Doing the right thing. Each and every day. Because you want to, not because you want to be seen doing it...

For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints.
Proverbs 2:6-8

Divergent: What Makes You Different, Makes You Dangerous

One movie this year has contained themes that have continued to make me think, long after the film was over. This was 'Divergent', based on the book by Veronica Roth. Although opening to mixed reviews from the press, there's something in the storyline that has appealed to me.

As the story opens, we discover that society in post-apocalyptic Chicago has been fragmented into five factions, each based on a particular virtue:

• Abnegation (the selfless)
• Amity (the peaceful)
• Candor (the honest)
• Dauntless (the brave)
• Erudite (the intelligent). 

We follow Beatrice, who is born into the Abnegation faction, but never really feels that she completely fits in. However, there's a big choice coming up. At the age of 16, all young people are tested to see which faction suits them best. And you can choose - you can stay in your faction, or switch factions. The problem? Switch, and there’s no switching back. Also, once you switch, you leave your family and friends behind.

The test changes everything for Beatrice. She's told that she ranks for three virtues, not just one. She’s a Divergent - and therefore dangerous. Hiding her true nature, she quickly chooses to switch to Dauntless, renaming herself Tris. She soon begins to unravel a mystifying plot to bring down the whole society.

The author has written three books in the series - I'm currently getting hold of the trilogy and will be working my way through them soon. I suspect these will be well worth a read!

Are you a Divergent?

Letting Go - Part Two

Our Heavenly Father is truly awesome, isn't He? After posting about forgiveness last week, I was totally blown away by Zoe's message at my own Corps this past Sunday - on precisely the same topic. There have been other references that have been cropping up throughout the week. Coincidence, or underlining? I know what I think...

One thing that this week has proved to me is that all of us can get hurt as we go through life. Each of us fight some sort of battle every day. Not one of us is immune; however each of us can hurt differently as our particular strengths and weaknesses differ...

However, we simply prolong any pain that we suffer if we find it hard to let go of these 'hurts', to forgive, to move on...

It's incredible how long we can hold on to something so painful! Teachers that we are still bitter about, years after leaving school... work colleagues from decades ago who remain in control of you because of bullying tactics of the past... family members who still have a strong grip on your feelings, even though they are no longer around...

On many occasions we may be the only one that remembers the incident, keeping it alive; therefore only we have the choice as to whether to continue carrying these burdens, these grudges.

If we hold these past hurts close to us, we keep others at a distance... our loved ones, our friends. Even the Almighty Himself...

So, the first thing I need to do to deal with my pain is to acknowledge I've been hurt. Is that tough?  It could well be. God revealed to me recently that there are some unresolved hurts in my past. Things that happened to me that I didn't complain about but simply hid. I put a brave face on it but cannot do this any more. Glib phrases like "Big boys and girls don't cry" simply don't work any more. And running away from the pain does not solve the problem.

In Bible study this week we were reminded that Jesus instructed us to "Pick up your cross and follow me." These hurts are crosses to pick up, to face and to embrace. Because if we can't face facts that we have been 'wounded' and take time to heal (with the help of The Great Physician), how are we going to deal with the next hurdle...

... forgiving the person who did this?

More later - as I work this through...

Integrity: How Honest Should I Be?

I've blogged quite a bit here in the past about integrity, and following a discussion on the same subject in Bible Study earlier this week, feel challenged to get some further thoughts down in writing.

Now, I've always tried to be as honest as I can be in this blog, but bearing in mind that this is a public forum I have always held back from commenting about things that are a bit too close to home. Really personal stuff, about my family, my work. It's a shame I feel I can't share because that sometimes eats away at me. You can understand that, can't you?

It's funny what the act of writing this blog has taught me. It's revealed and established a strength that I had buried deep within me. Talk to me face to face and I stumble, get tongue-tied. Sit me next to a keyboard and I can write 'till the cows come home - I can emote, compose and rejoice with ease about a variety of topics that interest me.

However, there's a limit. If it's stuff that hurts me, is just a little too personal, or that I find difficult to share, it probably won't get mentioned. It's simply too close to home. Or if I do mention it, it's so heavily encoded that it makes little sense to anyone (except to me and my Lord!). There's an example here.

Anyway, this rambling blog entry eventually leads us to a question, and it's a simple one to ask. I understand that you need to possess integrity, therefore not lie to others. Sure - but what about 'not telling the whole truth'... (Caution: here I'm going to open up a little, be warned. Can't do this face to face, but as it's only you and me, dear reader, that's OK)

It might be something simple, like saying "I'm fine" when people ask how you are. When you are really... not...

It might be something more complex, like remembering the negative reaction you got from people at work when you told them last time all the things you got up to at the weekend - so, you don't stop doing it, but you stop telling them about it...

Even worse, it might be one of those days when you've gone from one voluntary commitment to another without a break; gone without a rest because you want to ensure a particular job gets done. Because without you, it won't get done!

Or when you go out of your way to help out a friend - even though you can't really spare the time. Is that OK?

I think it is - it's going the extra mile (see post here). Because if I told the truth - the whole truth - to family and friends they would try to stop me.

Is that integrity?

Do It Anyway...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Written by Kent M. Keith as "Paradoxical Commandments" and promoted by Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

In All Honesty: part four, Relative Truth

I mentioned about watches in part three of this brief series. Imagine how you'd feel if you'd suddenly discovered that the clock that you'd been setting your watch to for years was itself wrong? That you'd been giving out the wrong time - and worse, you honestly thought you were doing the right thing by checking back with a 'trusted' source - which was itself wrong!

If you follow me, then you can understand some of the difficulties with 'relative truth' that I've been working through for a while. It's because there's a whole host of different beliefs out there - even differences in opinion in how you follow individual beliefs. Surely, they can't all be right? No - some of these 'truths' are contradictory; some are misinformation, or 'spin'; some are simply 'best guesses'; some are opinions that might even be described as naive. Some - well, the court is out on these, no-one seems to know...

As a 'seeker after truth' I have sought help from others in order to follow the right path. Some of the paths I took as a young man I once thought were 'true' but these have clearly proven to be false. In fact, dead ends! However, I doubt whether many of the people (including my own friends and family) who advised me to take these false paths meant me any harm. Like the weatherman (see part one of this series), they're trying their best. And, the path itself may not have been wrong for all - but it was certainly wrong for me (it made me ill for a time!).

Although I make mistakes, I don't want to make the same mistake twice! And I certainly don't want to lead others astray by directing them the wrong way! I want the right way. I want to show others the right way.

I read a quote by C.S.Lewis yesterday which succinctly summed up my current situation for me:

http://cslewiswisdom.blogspot.com/2011/06/search-for-truth.html

Here's a couple more quotes that have challenged me lately. As I continue to pursue the truth, dear reader, working it out in my own way and style, please do me a favour? Let me know from time to time if it looks like I'm going off course, okay?

Proverbs 4:7 (NIV)
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

"The pursuit of truth shall set you free - even if you never catch up with it" - Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

In All Honesty: part three, Time Checks

I've read that a great deal of people think that the phrase "to thine own self be true" (mentioned in part two of this series) is taken from scripture, when in fact these are words taken from the Bard. Just goes to prove how little some people know the Bible nowadays.

Putting this confusion aside for a moment, let's consider the question; do you think this is good advice?

I do. It rings true. I can see a ring of truth in this, the honesty in what is being said in Shakespeare's prose. However, as an adage, I'm afraid it simply doesn't go far enough. It's only true up to a point. We are, after all, how God made us, each with our own gifts, our own unique way at looking at life. But we need God in our lives to keep us on track.

Why do I think so? I reason it like this. We're like timepieces, watches that have been put together by a master craftsman. Each of us has our own unique gifts, our own peculiar way of looking at things, because each of us has a place in society. Each of us, if you will, is designed for a different purpose. We are a masterpiece of engineering. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

However, even with the best watches you still need to check the time now and again! Left to run unchecked, a timepiece will tend to get out of sync and needs to be brought back in line. It may be only a second out, it may be two minutes or more; fast, or slow! It may not be for any mechanical reason - sometimes the clocks change! Whatever the reason, we all need correction from time to time.

Some of us are stopwatches, built for precision; others, elaborate pocket watches, or even everyday wristwatches. But all need checking from time to time.

Relying on our own inner self is great - but can only take us so far.

In the final entry to this study I'll wrap up my thoughts on the subject, touching once again on honesty and "relative truth".

In All Honesty: part two, To Your Own Self Be True

As part of my study of honesty, I've been attempting to understand why people react the way they do. Different people see the world in different ways; each seeing varying aspects of the same thing. Some may live in a particularly shallow world; others may think particularly deeply! It's like the difference between the optimist and the pessimist, and half a glass of water. The optimist says it's half full; the pessimist says it's half empty!

However, by His nature, God can see the whole picture all at once. We studied this a little last weekend, as the Sunday School lesson was about Jesus' encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4). He knew all about her!

To quote Julie Andrews, you need to 'start at the very beginning' - so I've begun by clarifying my own motivations, exploring my own character. How else do I expect to know others if I can't understand myself; begin to understand why I look at life a certain way...

From my studies on the subject it's clear that I'm an introvert (for those in the know I'm an INFJ), which explains my need for a 'time out' at regular intervals, just to recharge the batteries. I'm a bit of an idealist, ever striving to do my best and having to settle for second-best (or worse) much of the time. I struggle with my moods, possibly as a result of the last point. And I'll add for good measure the fact that I'm a seeker after truth (which won't come as too much a surprise to regular followers of this blog).

I'll unpack some of this in the weeks to come.

Polonius: This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet - Act 1, scene 3

In All Honesty: A Story About The Weather

"It's not going to rain tomorrow!"
"Yes it is, the weather forecast said so..."
"No, it's not..."
"Er... but it is..."
"No - it's - not!"
"???????"

This was the essence of a conversation I overheard a few months ago. The exchange of dialogue has stayed with me, a good introduction to a topic I'd like to explore this week: that of having an honest attitude to life.

In the exchange above, we have someone's heartfelt but unspoken prayer that the rain would stay away, as it would spoil this well-planned open-air church event. And we also have another one who delivered a piece of authoritative information from the weatherman.

There's two schools of thought, aren't there, as to who had the right attitude here. Wishful thinking, coming right up against supposed facts. Hope against stark reality. Which way is better?

Is the attitude of the first speaker, understandably keen to have things go ahead without a hitch and therefore 'thinking positively' about the day, the way we should follow? Or should we be like the second speaker, who had been told a 'fact' and in all honesty was simply passing it on?

I'd be interested for your feedback. I'm mulling over the whole idea of stepping out in faith. Is that naive? Because I feel that blindly following the facts can also be wrong! (Particularly the weather forecast!) There needs to be a balance.

And, incidentally, on the day in question it didn't rain after all!

Knowing The Truth

I'm a 'seeker after truth'. However, I'm sure you'll agree that it's not easy to identify what is true from a whole myriad of different 'facts', alternative viewpoints and opinions... it takes a bit of work. You have to sift through three other types of supposed 'truth' before you get to the real thing.

There's the 'truth' that some people truly, honestly believe - however, it's simply not the same as your world view, either because their reasoning is totally different to yours or they've arrived at it from a different perspective. Who is to say they are wrong and you are right? I love to hear their views, it helps you to strengthen (or correct) your own.

There's the 'truth' that people accept that is solely based on others; they think this way because that's just the way other people have told them to think!

And, then, of course, there is 'creative truth' - i.e., downright lies and misinformation.

I find it reasonably easy to handle the first two in the above list, but have a real problem with the third. I stumble across it in varying degrees every day. I struggle with the spin I read in the papers, the deception I hear about, the 'little white lies'. I feel betrayed when I realise that I've been lied to, often by people who I feel should know better...

Why do I feel so strongly about this? Possibly because I detest it most when I see it in myself. Yes, I hate it when I catch myself being less than truthful. I wouldn't call myself downright deceptive, there's no tangled webs of deceit in my life. I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable when I catch myself bending the facts a little to justify an action or an inaction. To protect my family. To protect my privacy. Does telling what is essentially a lie justify a particular course of action - even if I did it for the 'right reasons'?

It's nearly time for the summer holidays. Over the next few weeks I'm going to read up on honesty. I'll try and write something up about this for the Autumn. Honest.

John 8:31-32 (NIV)
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”