Remember To Be Kind

 

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Checklist

 

F is for Forgiveness

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Colossians 3:13 (NLT)

Why I Need To Do It Anyway...

Apologies, I need to stop and rant today. And to take time to listen to God's small voice (in bold type below) in reply...

I get fed up with people around me who seem to take delight in being unreasonable, irrational, and incredibly and annoyingly self-centred. Today I want to scream!
Forgive them anyway.

I strive to be kind, and yet they tell me that I need to stop, and in fact that I need to give up all these things and rest more. They accuse me of having selfish, ulterior motives for doing what I do. I can't think of anything more selfish that doing nothing...
Be kind anyway.

I take pains to do the best I can, however every day there seems to be someone who takes pleasure in criticising the things you do. It's so difficult to succeed. I seem to make more enemies than I do friends.
Succeed anyway.

I get awfully fed up with people who seem to take delight in criticising my willingness to serve, and when I start to argue they then try and pick holes in the things I do and my reasons for doing them.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

There are some people who (possibly for the best of reasons) have succeeded in dismantling some of the things that I've worked at for the last few years. All the time that I spent creating - and suddenly it's all swept away. Argh!
Create anyway.

I want to find peace and to be happy. Isn't that everyone's goal? However, it would appear that others don't want me to be happy and to find peace. Are they upset with me?
Be happy anyway.

Despite my best efforts in trying to do good, much of it seems to be swept under the carpet, quickly forgotten. Do good anyway.

I try and give the best I have, to be the best that I can be - and it seems never to be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

(based on The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith. And my earnest and heartfelt prayer today.)

Be Kind

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (MSG)

Pray, Believe, Receive

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Mark 11:24 (NIV)

Jesus was matter-of-fact: “Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, ‘Go jump in the lake’—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it’s as good as done. That’s why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you’ll get God’s everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it’s not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins.”
Mark 11:22-25 (MSG)

H is for Hypocrisy

Several of my work colleagues tell me that I should "Fake it till you make it." It's all about having confidence. If you don't feel confident, you should pretend you are until you gain the experience or tools necessary to real.

I'm not convinced. I struggle so often in this area, trying to be the best that I can be but constantly failing to hit the mark. In fact, it only reinforces to me the fact that I need to be more understanding when I come across others who don't get it right either. Lord, help me to understand, to be more honest and to be myself rather than someone I am not. I also need to be more forgiving!

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Matthew 7:1-5 (NIV)

F is for Forgiveness

Yes, I kind of get the idea of forgiveness. It's tough, but I can forgive other people...

Forgiving myself? That can be an awful lot tougher...

God reminds me that forgiving yourself is not about forgetting. It is all about not dwelling on that stupid thing you did for hours on end.

If God has moved on, has declared that He 'chooses not to remember', shouldn't we do the same?

“The days are coming,” declares the Lord, “when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel and with the people of Judah.
It will not be like the covenant I made with their ancestors when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt, because they broke my covenant, though I was a husband to them,” declares the Lord.
“This is the covenant I will make with the people of Israel after that time,” declares the Lord.
“I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will they teach their neighbour, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest,” declares the Lord.
“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
Jeremiah 31:31-34 (NIV)

Extra Grace Required

The email in my inbox was a direct challenge to me. I knew it as soon as I read it. It virtually leapt off the screen at me!

You see, it was talking about all those people who persistently wind you up. They seem to be there solely to try your patience. Some people talk about people who continually exhibit Challenging Behaviour. Others use more colourful metaphors...

In the email I mentioned above, Rick Warren called them EGRs, which stands for 'Extra Grace Required'. And I don't have any trouble in thinking of an example or two under that category.

These are the sort of people that threaten to drive you crazy.

But they need you. And they need God.

So, He sends me to them. 

And my challenge? Not to get out of their way as quickly as possible. Oh no...

No, it is to try and understand. To look past their behaviour and try to help.  Because they may not even know that their behaviour is challenging!

And I need to learn to continually respond with patience. With love.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 
(Colossians 3:13, NLT).

Mockers

Proverbs 9:7 (NIV)
Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse.

I am really sorry. I was only trying to offer help in that situation.

However, all that you could offer to the conversation were jokes and insults. Did that make you feel big, trying so hard to make me look so small?

You made me angry. And you made me sad.

The anger subsided pretty quickly. The sadness is still hanging around, trying to overwhelm me.

Lord, help me to forgive.

When To Fight

"He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I don't really like conflict. But sometimes, you simply have to fight for what you believe. You have to stand your ground. Or else, you'll end up losing that ground.

So, if I seem to be picking a fight, it's got to be because it's something I feel quite strongly about...

And yet, it's really difficult to work out when to fight and when not to fight.

Because I always seem to get it wrong. Or so I keep being told. Either I'm too 'laid back' or I'm too 'uptight'.

So, bear with me. And forgive me. Because I'm trying to get a balance. I'm trying to get it right. (sigh).

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 New International Version (NIV)
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Keeping Your Cool

The last few days in the UK have been a particular challenge. It's been so hot!

We don't tend to get such a long run of hot weather in this country, so tempers can get a little frayed. Nancy Molitor (assistant professor of clinical psychiatry and behavioural science at North-western University Feinberg School of Medicine) confirmed that hot and humid weather is known to be associated with increases in aggression and violence, as well as a lower general mood.

We all have trouble sleeping, battling dehydration and even problems travelling because of the heat. Is it any wonder people get a little snappy?

I know I do. So, if I have been ratty this week, I'm sorry. However, I know there have been others that have been as well. Perhaps a few things have been said that shouldn't have been.

Let's draw a line and move on.

Ephesians 4:32 (CEV)
Instead, be kind and merciful, and forgive others, just as God forgave you because of Christ.

Sing

Colossians 3:12-17 (NIV)

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Kindness

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Waiting For A Response

It's nice to get a "thank you" now and again, don't you agree?

I can't possibly recall the number of times that I've been thanked - on the whole, people are usually quite kind. In response to a kindness shown, a gesture of sympathy, a gift given. It's nice to get an acknowledgement back .

However, there are one or two people that never seem to do this. And you are left feeling unsure whether the thing that you did was well received - whether it was somehow 'lacking' - whether the gift was discarded, thrown on a pile of other unwelcome gifts - or sometimes, if they ever received the gift at all!

And it's not just me (as I used to think!) - others tell me similar stories. Some people don't say "thank you".

I'm feeling for these people today. Actually, to tell the truth, I'm trying to understand them...

• Are they ungrateful?
• Do they expect my kindness as 'the least I could do'?
• Do they feel that it is below them to show any kind of appreciation?
• Is this lack of gratitude actually a sign of arrogance?

I read the summary of a study which was commissioned by Avery a few years ago, and published in the London Evening Standard. It revealed that as many as one in four employees had never had a "thank you" from their employer. Bosses in the city seem to take 'going the extra mile' for granted. Or worse - they make an effort to say "thank you" without truly meaning it, whilst continuing to give out increasingly impossible jobs with unrealistic deadlines...

However, I still keep coming back to the conclusion that has been revealed to me in my quiet times. It doesn't matter. In fact, it's me who needs to respond. With forgiveness. Sure, sometimes I don't get those thanks. Or even any acknowledgement. But that's no good reason for me to stop caring.

I need to keep on trying. One day, I might get a heartfelt response when I least expect it.

Letting Go - Part Four

We've reached the last part of this expanding series on forgiveness and how hurt people can reach a state of healing. It's a lesson that I've had to learn the hard way! It's been a constant effort to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to complete this series. It has occupied my mind for pretty much the entire Lent period. It wouldn't go away; kept coming back, and back... And we're here now. :)

The last three parts of this strand have all focused on reviewing and revealing your hurts - depending on who you are, that could the trickiest bit, although some of us are good at this, figuratively 'licking our wounds' as a way of attempting to heal our wounded emotions. Having recently been through this stage, I've uncovered other hurts that I never knew about...

Others, though, try to bury their hurts and internalise their pain, reliving it again and again. That was me a few years ago. It doesn't work. You need to bring things out in the open in order to heal and move on. I don't necessarily mean announce it to the world - but it might come to that.

You need to make a start - even if it's small. Find a friend or counsellor who has been through the same experiences as you. Confide in them. Believe me, it's a significant step toward to letting go of it. They will tell you from their own experience and confirm that it's essential to the road to healing... bring things up the surface. You wouldn't put a plaster on a cut arm without moving the sleeve out of the way...

And then it's time - the key step to moving on... make some appointments with the Great Healer.

Bring all this - what has been uncovered, all your feelings, your hurts - to Jesus. He is the healer of wounds par excellence. The Gospels teem with examples.

"If you want to, you can heal me."

And Jesus answers, "Of course, I want to."

Tell Him the whole story. How much it has hurt, how you've lived with feelings of revenge, of bitterness. Relive the bad experiences - with Jesus at your side. There will be tears. Let them come. Then take note. Listen to Jesus' own response to your suffering. Open yourself up to Him. Let Him assure you that you are loved. 

Come to Him. And keep coming - I am reminded that results may take a while (Mark 8:22-26). There may be a lot to fix. God may have to heal wounds so deep that they are still unknown to you. Remember that 'hidden hurt' I mentioned before? A hairline crack that no-one else can see. But He can...

He'll ask you to put aside your hurts, your concerns, your thoughts, your feelings. He may want a regular 'appointment' - (perhaps 20 minutes, twice a day) - centring yourself on Him. This is where I am at the moment. 

How do you know when you're healed?

We'll, I am assured it is not when you have forgotten that you have been hurt. 

It's when Christ's victory in your life completely overpowers these destructive memories - and any pain you may have felt before.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Letting Go - Part Three

In the first two parts of what has turned out to be a series of blog entries on forgiveness, and whilst studying how to let go of things in the past, I have arrived at the inevitable conclusion that I had been hurt much harder by some past experiences than even I had imagined. In fact, there are a couple of hurts that are only now coming to light, hiding beneath what was an obvious injury. It's like I had only dealt with the flesh wound, without realising that there was a broken bone just below...

In this 21st Century world of ours, society expects us to put on a brave face to pretty much everybody. If you show any sign of weakness, you are assured of being a 'wuss', or at best of 'having your heart on your sleeve'. Somebody told me (coincidentally, the same one who said recently that I was 'too nice') that I was 'too easy a target'. Maybe so, kind sir - but did you have to take the shot?

So I have been taking a more realistic look at my 'hurt'. And how I seem to come over to others. Am I trying to maintain a 'poor me' image? I really don't think so. If anything, the opposite. I think I've been trying to convince people that I am strong during times when I was far from it... in essence, faking it until I felt better.

For instance, I used to have a problem with answering questions like "How are you today?" on a day when things haven't gone so well. I didn't want to lie and say "fine" ... and if I told the truth and said something I could be accused of fishing for sympathy... which is not what I am looking for. Sure, maybe the person asking doesn’t really care how you are. But he or she did ask, so I need to respond...

You see, "fine" is simply mundane. And possibly a lie... Unless, as one website said, it's an acronym for "Feelings I’m Not Expressing". I'm working on some better responses now; don't find this easy (it's too much like 'small talk', ugh!) but it's a work in progress.

**** **** ****

These times of reflection over this Lent period has done much to underline the terrific promise that, when I can eventually let go of these hurts, I can then take hold of something far, far better. Including God's unconditional, overflowing love for each and every one of us.

And here's another little problem; I know in my head that I am loved. However, sometimes I have trouble feeling this in my heart. Especially on those dark days when I can't keep but dwelling on that one negative remark that someone has made, simply ignoring all of the good things that have happened that same day... Why do I have trouble feeling this?

The Lent course that we have been studying at our Corps reminded me that we all have bad days as well as good. There needs to be difficult times. It's all part of life. Throughout His period on this Earth Jesus taught us all that pain, suffering and death precede resurrection and freedom from pain. He was mocked, scourged, and spat upon. And it wasn't His fault.

So, it's really OK to feel angry when you get emotionally hurt - in the same way that you feel pain from a physical hurt. However, it's not good if you continue to live in that moment of pain - never moving beyond that feeling, never healing and recovering from the 'hurt'. Numb to anything else...

There's so much to this topic - so there's more to come!!!

Letting Go - Part Two

Our Heavenly Father is truly awesome, isn't He? After posting about forgiveness last week, I was totally blown away by Zoe's message at my own Corps this past Sunday - on precisely the same topic. There have been other references that have been cropping up throughout the week. Coincidence, or underlining? I know what I think...

One thing that this week has proved to me is that all of us can get hurt as we go through life. Each of us fight some sort of battle every day. Not one of us is immune; however each of us can hurt differently as our particular strengths and weaknesses differ...

However, we simply prolong any pain that we suffer if we find it hard to let go of these 'hurts', to forgive, to move on...

It's incredible how long we can hold on to something so painful! Teachers that we are still bitter about, years after leaving school... work colleagues from decades ago who remain in control of you because of bullying tactics of the past... family members who still have a strong grip on your feelings, even though they are no longer around...

On many occasions we may be the only one that remembers the incident, keeping it alive; therefore only we have the choice as to whether to continue carrying these burdens, these grudges.

If we hold these past hurts close to us, we keep others at a distance... our loved ones, our friends. Even the Almighty Himself...

So, the first thing I need to do to deal with my pain is to acknowledge I've been hurt. Is that tough?  It could well be. God revealed to me recently that there are some unresolved hurts in my past. Things that happened to me that I didn't complain about but simply hid. I put a brave face on it but cannot do this any more. Glib phrases like "Big boys and girls don't cry" simply don't work any more. And running away from the pain does not solve the problem.

In Bible study this week we were reminded that Jesus instructed us to "Pick up your cross and follow me." These hurts are crosses to pick up, to face and to embrace. Because if we can't face facts that we have been 'wounded' and take time to heal (with the help of The Great Physician), how are we going to deal with the next hurdle...

... forgiving the person who did this?

More later - as I work this through...

Learning To Let Go Of Past Hurts

I haven't blogged on the subject of bitterness for a while. Unfortunately, I really need to, this week.. Apologies if I get a bit deep and more than a little cryptic...

I am increasingly aware of a few stray pieces of 'unfinished business' in my life. One caught me unawares a few months ago. "I thought I had dealt with that..." Unfortunately it got very messy; it was very emotional.

These are things that have happened in the past that I need to deal with; draw a line under, and move on. I know deep down that these little bits and pieces bubble to the surface, restricting me from making significant progress in other areas of my life... they pop up and drag me down. There are quite a few!

I won't dwell on details, but these things do hurt; many of them hang around as bitterness over past actions by others. My Father in Heaven knows them all, but it is clearly down to me to deal with each of them. Deep down I want to rid myself of them because they gnaw away at me. They cloud my thoughts, make it difficult to think.

Why can't I let go? I know that I must learn to let go. I've tried making a fresh start, to break away - but that hasn't worked. And over the last week I've worked out why...

Let me explain - this is how I see it. Think of it like one of the Apollo space missions - the Saturn V needs to reach a particular momentum in order to launch the Command and Lunar Modules out into space. Escape velocity for Earth is quite a speed - a spacecraft needs to be going about 40,000 kph (25,000 mph) in order to successfully enter Earth's orbit. Fail to get up to speed and you are pulled back down to Earth. With a big bump. (stats courtesy of NASA!)

I've tried to break away from some of my 'hurts' in recent years but fail - I just get pulled back down to Earth with a bump. Back into the 'situation'.

Some have been telling me that I need more speed. What I've prayerfully deduced is that I'm just too heavy. I'm carrying excess baggage. These 'hurts', they slow me down. I still keep trying. Even though I hurt with repeated attempts; even though each time I have to make myself painfully vulnerable to do so. Which hurts me as well!

These 'hurts'. What sort of things are we talking about?

Well, here's a extract from my own internal monologue:

Doesn't he realise how much that hurt me? Let it go.
He made me feel worthless. Let it go.
What He did to that girl was so unfair. Let it go.

But how do I let go?

Our Corps touched on this in a recent House Fellowship, when we looked at the phrase "forgive and forget". The phrase is not found in the Bible, which surprised some of us.

However, there are many references to “forgiving one another” (Matthew 6:14; Ephesians 4:32). As for forgiving, it's down to us - you and I. Forgiveness has to be a decision of the will. God commands us to forgive, to free us from the ties of the past.

However, I can't truly forget; I cannot selectively "delete" events from my life history. Neither can God - but He chooses not to "remember" (Hebrews 8:12).

So when I forgive someone, I need to choose not to remember. I should act as if that incident had never occurred. I need to let go of the 'hurt'. Let go of the hope that the person might change; that the situation might improve.

Trouble is, Letting go often feels too much like giving up. But I need to do it.

Because I know God had something else for me to do. I can't take hold of it yet, my hands are still full with my 'hurts'. I need to let go; otherwise how can I receive something better?

Comments and prayers welcomed.

Anger - some points to consider

Surely anger can't really be a good thing? I do appreciate those friends who have listened patiently when I've been bouncing idea after idea off them about this topic recently. Yet this is something I need to get to grips with before I can move on with the next stage of my life. And it's long overdue...

As you know, the book I'm currently reading actually tries to show me how to "turn anger into a friend". What do you think? What is your opinion on some of these concepts? Honesty warning - some very personal topics covered here!!

Firstly, is anger actually protective? Take for example, the scenario where a member of your family is in danger. You leap into instinctive action. You don't often get a chance to stop and choose your course of action - your natural instincts take over. That baser instinct allows us to act quickly. This is part of God's basic programming of man - His way of protecting your family from harm. One writer I read recently said that anger can be one of those 'instincts'. To tell you the truth, I'm not so sure. Yes, I know that reaction is still instinctual; I still think how we react can still be a matter of choice. If the whole thing is instinct, surely there's no way to change...

Can anger be an indicator of your deeper feelings? In cases of severe injustice (or perceived injustice), when things need to dramatically change, you may feel a swell of anger inside you, letting you know that things aren't right, and giving you the power to do something about it. This touches on something that I blogged about earlier - the untapped resource, a well of power from within me.I know this is genuine, I've felt this.

Here's another scenario - your child's doctor won't listen to your concerns about their health. Should you just meekly accept the decision? Or should you be allowing yourself to let the anger surface? If you do let rip at the doctor, you could start to stir things up and get the problem diagnosed and solved. However, you could be saddled with a reputation of being a troublemaker! Another alternative - if you don't say anything, you could well be back to the doctor in a few months with a stress-related disorder - not allowing the anger to surface could well be unhealthy!

So, here's the thing. Is anger normal? That's the most important question so far for me. After years of bottling up feelings of anger because people have told me time and again 'now is not the right time to show them', I am now finally empowered. It's OK for me to be angry. In fact, it's a God-given ability. Unfortunately countless years of repressed anger still sit there as bitterness. I need to unpack this - this is still a work in progress.

Here's another quote from the book I'm currently reading: "Feeling anger is normal; not feeling anger is abnormal. Because feeling anger seems abnormal, we unconsciously repress anger feelings. We deny we are feeling angry toward another person. We think there is something wrong with us when we have angry feelings toward others. Angry feelings are not wrong. Rather, it is how we express anger that is often wrong. God gave us anger for protection from danger. When the 'anger button' goes off, we are alerted to danger. We need to use our awareness of danger to trace the cause of our anger." ('Healing Life's Hurts' by Graham Bretherick, page 116)

Can anger tell you what to do next? Your little darling has left his or her toys all over the house again! However, yelling at your little precious isn't exactly going to get their cooperation. Indeed, it may actually reinforce their annoying behaviour - they'll start to 'tune you out'. Is this expression of anger telling you that this doesn't work; that your expectations are too high; that the rule isn't actually clear enough? Are you angry mostly at your child or at yourself? Think it through. We're encouraged to use the energy released by the anger to trigger a change of approach; follow it up with consistent action.

Are you angry at yourself? Sure. I've certainly been there. However, if I go around beating myself up and telling myself, say, that I am a bad parent for things that happen in my family that I'll end up making a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'll end up as a parent with no confidence in my own abilities - powerless and, quite frankly, useless. God forbid...

So, here's another dilemma - I can't really lose my rag all of the time, disbursing that energy outwards, in fact spraying it all around. I can't bottle it up - it'll fester and mutate into bitterness. I can't turn it inward into myself. So, how do I let it out? Recently I've been retreating into the printed word. I end up writing pages and pages like this one - reams and reams of paper, huge chunks of computer memory. Some of this I actually publish, some I delete...I spend a good deal of time in self-examination, trying to challenge my own  misperceptions.  

Can I find a suitable outlet for my anger? Another good question. I'm assured that how we handle angry outbursts depends on what you saw and heard when you grew up. If your mum or dad shouted at you, chances are you'll be led to follow when dealing with your own children. Fortunately, I am assured that if you were taught one anger expression style in your youth you can learn another. We need - I need - to go back to school here, rethink the whole idea that feeling anger is bad. I need to deal with my feelings appropriately and then move on. I need to forgive. Burying those unresolved feelings will eventually lead to passive aggression (withdrawal) and will incubate into bitterness.

"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave you." Ephesians 4:30-32

Comments on any or all of the above awaited. Prayers welcomed.