I Can't Say No

(with apologies to those people who thought this post was going to be about that song from 'Oklahoma'. That song is actually entitled "I Cain't Say No". Look it up!)

I have previously blogged about struggling with being assertive and with saying no. "You don't have to do that, you know. You can say no..." I've lost count of the number of times that people have said that to me over the years... not sure if this was a genuine concern about my well-being, or if it was something else...

However, I know too well what they mean. Saying no is especially tough for introverts like myself, because I personally hate conflict. It is far easier to "go with the flow" and not to resist. Saying yes is a logical way to keep the peace. Despite the fact that I can often end up worse off at the end of the day - overwhelmed and with low energy.

However, sometimes the main reason why I don't say no - is a strong conviction that I want to - or need to - say YES!

• YES to helping others, in making this world a better place
• YES, even though I don't get paid for it
• YES to standing up and being counted
• YES, even though there is a risk it may make be ill or overtired (an increasing factor at the moment!)
• YES to making a difference. 

That's why I can't always say no. 

I've blogged about this today, as there have been a few voluntary jobs I've had to drop off over the past few years as it's just become too much for me. And I suspect that as I get older, there may be one or two more things that will need to go. 

Oh, and by the way - if I do say no - please realise that I've not made the decision lightly. Putting pressure on me to 'change my mind' won't go down too well...

Thanks for listening. 

“In this life we cannot always do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” Mother Teresa

When To Fight

"He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I don't really like conflict. But sometimes, you simply have to fight for what you believe. You have to stand your ground. Or else, you'll end up losing that ground.

So, if I seem to be picking a fight, it's got to be because it's something I feel quite strongly about...

And yet, it's really difficult to work out when to fight and when not to fight.

Because I always seem to get it wrong. Or so I keep being told. Either I'm too 'laid back' or I'm too 'uptight'.

So, bear with me. And forgive me. Because I'm trying to get a balance. I'm trying to get it right. (sigh).

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 New International Version (NIV)
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Conflict Management - part two

"The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life." - William Shakespeare, a quotation by Falstaff from Henry IV, Part One

I'm not someone who goes out of his way to pick a fight. If given a choice, I usually resort to the 'better part of valour'. After all, what's the point of being nasty about something, life's too short... However, when it comes to the crunch, I won't say that something is right when it is clearly not. And if that gets me into hot water, well so be it.

I have been given to understand that conflict is normal; it's all part of human nature. I mentioned in my last post that 'conflict is inevitable'; I'm reliably informed that I should say that 'conflict is inevitable in groups of seven or more'. It's easy to see why. Some simple maths tells us that the number of possible relationships in a group of n people = n x n-1. Thus, in a group of seven, there are 7 x 6 = 42 separate relationships. It only takes an 'issue' in one of these relationships to cause a conflict.

Why is it that some conflicts take so long to resolve? Is it Pride? Fear? Stubbornness? Perhaps. However, it's probably something as simple as confusion over the facts (let's face it, gossip is never 100% reliable) or a breakdown in communication. So, after reading a number of articles on the subject this week, I've boiled these down to a simple strategy: to clarify and then to communicate.

For example, how many of us start out by clarifying exactly what we feel? As a Christian , I find that prayer is always a good place to start. Talk it through with God, asking yourself: "Why am I angry? Why am I afraid?" Listen to God's prompting, read scripture, uncover all the emotions until you are left with a better understanding of your feelings, your motivations. And check your facts, if all you are working on is gossip!

And then you communicate. Go and talk to the person. Conflict may be inevitable, however resentment is not. Don't let strong or uncontrolled emotions affect things (anger, tears). Get them out of your system before you start, during the 'clarify' procedure. Despite what the soap operas tell you, getting angry doesn't solve anything. Talk and listen to each other: to both sides of the argument. Talk about what you saw; what you heard; how you felt. Explain the consequences. And then propose a resolution. This might be more than a simple apology, although that's a good place to start.

Remember, the ultimate goal is reconciliation. It's not to points score; not to prove who was right; not to avoid the situation; not to forget.

Matthew 18:15 (New International Version)
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.

Conflict Management For Beginners

I am reliably informed that conflict is inevitable. People naturally form groups (families, work colleagues, clubs, church fellowships). Conflict can occur in these groups when two people go after the same thing, or when they want quite different things. There's an argument, hurt feelings, a refusal to conform.

The answers to some of these situations simply can't be found in the sort of popular culture we see all around us. Soap operas revel in conflict; TV series and films generally serve their audience physical violence as standard. Which is probably because sitting down calmly and talking through a problem isn't good TV. Even the examples we get of conflict resolution from our elected representatives in Parliament often results in name-calling and deception.

Why can't we all just get along?

More later...