Conflict Management - part two

"The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life." - William Shakespeare, a quotation by Falstaff from Henry IV, Part One

I'm not someone who goes out of his way to pick a fight. If given a choice, I usually resort to the 'better part of valour'. After all, what's the point of being nasty about something, life's too short... However, when it comes to the crunch, I won't say that something is right when it is clearly not. And if that gets me into hot water, well so be it.

I have been given to understand that conflict is normal; it's all part of human nature. I mentioned in my last post that 'conflict is inevitable'; I'm reliably informed that I should say that 'conflict is inevitable in groups of seven or more'. It's easy to see why. Some simple maths tells us that the number of possible relationships in a group of n people = n x n-1. Thus, in a group of seven, there are 7 x 6 = 42 separate relationships. It only takes an 'issue' in one of these relationships to cause a conflict.

Why is it that some conflicts take so long to resolve? Is it Pride? Fear? Stubbornness? Perhaps. However, it's probably something as simple as confusion over the facts (let's face it, gossip is never 100% reliable) or a breakdown in communication. So, after reading a number of articles on the subject this week, I've boiled these down to a simple strategy: to clarify and then to communicate.

For example, how many of us start out by clarifying exactly what we feel? As a Christian , I find that prayer is always a good place to start. Talk it through with God, asking yourself: "Why am I angry? Why am I afraid?" Listen to God's prompting, read scripture, uncover all the emotions until you are left with a better understanding of your feelings, your motivations. And check your facts, if all you are working on is gossip!

And then you communicate. Go and talk to the person. Conflict may be inevitable, however resentment is not. Don't let strong or uncontrolled emotions affect things (anger, tears). Get them out of your system before you start, during the 'clarify' procedure. Despite what the soap operas tell you, getting angry doesn't solve anything. Talk and listen to each other: to both sides of the argument. Talk about what you saw; what you heard; how you felt. Explain the consequences. And then propose a resolution. This might be more than a simple apology, although that's a good place to start.

Remember, the ultimate goal is reconciliation. It's not to points score; not to prove who was right; not to avoid the situation; not to forget.

Matthew 18:15 (New International Version)
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.