Joy and Sadness

I went away on holiday after Christmas with my wife, and we ended up in the Netherlands, exploring the beautiful city of Rotterdam. It was very nice to immerse ourselves into a completely different culture for a while, leaving our worries and cares a whole country away...

Whilst I was away, I had the opportunity to catch up on satellite TV with a Pixar film called 'Inside Out' (2015), which I must admit I had avoided seeing at the time as I was a little unsure whether I would be able to enjoy it - or even endure it… Let me explain.

This animated film is set in the mind of a young girl named Riley (voiced by Kaitlyn Dias), where five personified emotions — Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust - try to lead the girl through life.

As Riley grows up, her experiences become memories, which appear on screen as being stored in coloured orbs, which are sent into long-term memory each night. Her five most important 'core memories' start to form aspects of her personality which take the form of floating islands. Joy (Amy Poehler) acts as leader of her emotions, and since she and the other emotions do not understand Sadness's purpose, she tries to keep Sadness (Phyllis Smith) away from the main control console.

Everything starts going badly wrong when Riley and her parents (Diane Lane and Kyle MacLachlan) move from Minnesota to San Francisco… a series of unpleasant experiences from being so far out of her comfort zone affect Riley badly, and when Sadness causes Riley to cry in front of her school class, she creates Riley's first sad core memory. Joy tries to dispose of it quickly but accidentally knocks the other core memories loose during a struggle with Sadness, deactivating the personality islands. Joy, Sadness, and the core memories are then expelled out of Headquarters and sent to long-term memory storage.

By this stage in watching I was hooked. It was the only English language film on at the time, yet I felt  something deep inside myself wanting to turn it off (probably because it was getting a bit too close to home?). Could someone truly go through life without Joy or Sadness? It spoke to my inner me during one of my ‘bad days’. Days when I tend to emotionally switch off and simply ‘go through the motions’… deactivating the personality islands ... I was brave and kept going.

I won’t spoil the rest of it for you, but suffice it to say I literally ended up in tears by the end of the film.

I'll mention a couple of scenes in the film for you. At one point, Joy tries to prevent Sadness from having any influence on Riley by drawing a small chalk “circle of Sadness”, telling her to stay inside the circle. Apparently, psychologists call this type of behaviour 'emotional suppression' - that often something that leads to anxiety and depression. Finally, at the end of the film, Joy realises that she has to embrace the healthiest method for working with emotions: to accept Sadness for who she is. This is called 'mindfully embracing' an emotion.

This is something I need to learn in 2020. Hence, this rather personal blog post.

The Black Dog: A Video Introduction

Ever wondered why people who have depression talk about their condition as "The Black Dog"? If so, I would recommend the following video as a useful introduction for you.

http://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc

It's A Wonderful Life - Really

Yes, I know. As we go through life, stuff happens. Some of it is good. Some of it isn't. And that's often an understatement.

I'm encouraged by Christian friends and colleagues around me to "get used to it". And to go through life with Jesus as my constant companion. Didn't He say, "I will be with you, always"? (Matthew 28:20)

Yes, He is there with me. However, the bad stuff still happens. Why? Perhaps it's understandable that folks like me soon around to questioning: if Jesus truly cares for me, why does this sort of thing still happen? Why do I hurt?

Now, as I started reflecting on this, I kept thinking about "It's A Wonderful Life". A former corps officer of mine introduced me to this film classic a few years ago; since then it has become a firm favourite of mine. The picture above is from the film, depicting George Bailey (James Stewart) and Clarence the angel (Henry Travers). A wonderful, "what if" story...

The film is all about George's discovery that a life well lived can make a tremendous difference to our world. Even if, sometimes, we can't see it ourselves. It's only when we get a glimpse of how things could have been without such an influence that you realise what this can do.

Can you imagine what a difference that knowing Christ has made to your own life? Sure, you might say. But can anyone truly know? Can they point to evidence that living your life with Christ protects you from harm? I must admit, I believe that it does. However, it's rare that any of us can ever make a list detailing the bad things that never happened to you - because the Almighty made sure that they never happened!

If only we could glimpse that other life; the one where you took that other path, made that different decision - just briefly - perhaps it would make things so much clearer...

I had that brief glimpse into my own life, recently. What life could have been like if I hadn't chosen Christ... and it really wasn't very pleasant. A wake-up call.

Dear reader, I have had my fair share of low moments. Trust me, I've been right down there in that pit of despair, right down in that mire, that 'slough of despond'. And He was there with me, in the blackness, Sure, He knows that I would prefer an easier life. We all would - but Jesus wants us to have the best. And He knows that He can use us, both you and I, to encourage and to help others...

He said “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

And still He urges me on. "Trust me, it can be so much better..."

More next week...

Failure Is Not An Option

I'm a particular fan of the Ron Howard movie 'Apollo 13', based of course on the true story of NASA's efforts to return three astronauts back to Earth following an accident that had crippled their ship.

I now know that Gene Kranz (pictured above) never actually coined the phrase "failure is not an option" which is mentioned in the movie. The line was written in - however, Kranz so liked the line that he used it as the title of his autobiography (published in 2000).

I like it too. However, I've been wondering whether living your life by strict adherence to this adage is actually possible.

Interestingly, a reluctance to accept the possibility of failure is pretty much common to all my favourite SF genre shows:

"Do or do not... there is no try." - Yoda (Star Wars)

"I don't believe in the no-win scenario." - Kirk (Star Trek II- The Wrath Of Khan)

Is this view reflected in our modern lives? I've come across many bosses in my time who motivate others by simply not allow for failure in their planning. Are our standards too high? Do we ever permit ourselves the possibility of failure? Surely the easiest way not to fail is not to try? And what's wrong with 'try' anyway? You may gather that I've spent some time mulling over the subject this week.

You hear it so often, don't you, "I’ll try". Are they really going to give it a go, or does try actually mean "I'll do what you've told me to do, but don’t blame me if it doesn't work". When we make our wedding vows, do we say "I’ll try" or "I do"?

Can you ever imagine the Apollo missions with only an "try" attitude. It just wouldn't have succeeded. The difference between try and do? Commitment. If you do, failure is not an option. If you simply try, failure is a convenient alternative.

Sure, everybody louses it up from time to time. But it only becomes a failure when you give up. Listen to these words from scripture:

Proverbs 24:16 (CEV)

"Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them."

God knows we're going to fall down every once in a while. Yet, He also stands by us and helps us get back on our feet.

I know I personally find it tough to accept when I've loused up. I'd rather hang on to Gene Kranz's point of view; not to include it in my options! Letting others down makes me depressed. However, God helps me here to work through my anger and disappointment. Usually disappointment in my own inactions! He wants us to pick ourselves up; to acknowledge our shortcomings and work to better ourselves.

So, it's only failure when you don't get up again. And that's not an option I'm open to.

Where's The Bridge?

troubled water (noun): a situation or condition of disorder or confusion.

After a fairly long period of things going so well for me, I find myself in a period of troubled water once again. All of a sudden, life seems incredibly difficult. Even the easy stuff becomes incredibly complex. In fact, nothing is easy. And I wish I knew why... what has happened? What has changed?

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
(lyrics from 'Bridge Over Troubled Water', written by Paul Simon)

Lord, help me. Be that bridge for me, today. See me through this.

The Black Dog

A recent conversation with a friend had led me to a study on the life of one of this country's elder statesmen, Sir Winston Churchill.

Throughout his life, Churchill suffered from bouts of depression, an issue that he used to refer to as "my black dog". It's from a phrase coined by the Roman poet Horace, later adopted by English writer Samuel Johnson in the 1780s to describe his own bouts of depression, and best known in modern society following use by Churchill.

Despite such difficulties, Churchill not only succeeded in battling The Black Dog but even found the inner strength to lead Britain through the darkest days of the Second World War. Wow.

I'm quite aware of some of the problems of being tracked by The Black Dog. It's a subject that needs to be well publicised. The charity SANE has more to read about the subject here .

Moods: Can They Be A Good Thing?

Those who know me well know that I'm someone who can struggle with my moods - I can go for quite a while being cheerful, however all of a sudden something changes and I'm right down in the dumps. I'm still struggling to find out what triggers such a swing within me. I've read up on subjects like bipolar disorder and depression, discussed the topic with friends and colleagues (some of whom read this blog!); at the moment it just seems to be a cross that I have to bear. However, I am getting quite knowledgeable on the subject!

A recent report from the British Psychological Society has suggested that severe mood swings aren't necessarily a bad thing, as they say that such changes in mood can actually bring benefits, inspiring great works of art, classics of poetry and prose. I'd be interested in hearing other people's views on the topic.

Read more on the report here .

Mysterious Ways

It's amazing how God works, isn't it? In trying to help someone else, I've been helped myself! It was because I was looking up the phrase 'God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform' that I started to read about the life of the author of these words.

William Cowper was born in Berkhamsted in 1737, the son of the Reverend John Cowper and of Ann, the daughter of Roger Donne of Ludham Hall, Norfolk. After leaving school, Cowper studied law at the Inner Temple in London, but had to abandon any plans for a legal career due to a tendency to debilitating bouts of depression and doubt. It was part of his initial recovery that led to William discovering his own faith.

In 1763 William was offered a job as a clerk at the House of Lords, but the stress of preparing for the required exam triggered a breakdown so bad that he even attempted suicide. Reverend Morley Unwin and his wife Mary took him in and helped him recover. William stayed with the Unwins in Huntingdon, and continued to live with Mrs Unwin and her daughter Susanna after the Reverend was killed in a riding accident in 1767.

After Unwin died, they all moved to Olney in Buckinghamshire, under the ministry of Reverend John Newton, who was the evangelical curate there. William's mental health still affected him quite badly at this time, with some serious issues in 1773. John Newton and William worked together, producing the book "Olney Hymns" (1779), a collection of 349 hymns, with 67 written by William.

William and Mary got engaged in 1772, but a serious recurrence of his depression ended the engagement. It is said that William's worsening mental condition made marriage 'impossible'. Nevertheless, they continued to live together (in separate bedrooms). Despite periods of severe depression, his eighteen years in Olney and eight more at Weston Underwood saw him produce a number of works as a poet, hymn-writer and translator.

In 1791, Mary fell ill, which affected William greatly. Her death in 1796 resulted in William's despair which is expressed in his last great poem, "The Castaway". He died in 1800.

William's classic words, "God Moves in a Mysterious Way", were written in 1773 before the onset of one of his depressive episodes, and was included in "Olney Hymns". Originally entitled "Conflict: Light Shining Out Of Darkness”, the hymn is said to reflect God’s leading of William throughout his own lifetime. There is even an unsubstantiated story about how the hymn was written:

The story goes that William set out to com­mit su­i­cide by drown­ing him­self. He called a cab and told the driv­er to take him to the River Thames. How­ever, a thick fog came down and pre­vent­ed the pair of them from find­ing the riv­er. After driv­ing around for a while, the cab­driver fin­al­ly stopped and let William out. To his sur­prise, he found him­self on his own front door­step. God had sent the fog to keep him from kill­ing him­self.

What do you think?

Through A Glass, Darkly

"Through a Glass Darkly" (Såsom i en spegel) is a Swedish film, written and directed in 1961 by Ingmar Bergman. The title comes from scripture, from 1 Corinthians 13:12, which refers to our efforts to understand or comprehend God. You see, any picture that we may get of the Almighty is just a glimpse, like the image in a poor mirror. The view will only be crystal clear when we meet Him face to face. The film's original title means 'As in a Mirror', taken from a 1917 Swedish translation of the Bible. The English title is the King James Version equivalent; "For now we see through a glass, darkly."

I prefer to use modern English translations when studying scripture but there's something about this phrase from the KJV that speaks to me today. Perhaps it's discovering that this was quoted by Jean-Luc Picard in one of the Star Trek films (a fact I only realised yesterday); perhaps it was the article on depression that I just read that also quoted it that has kept this in the front of my mind.

Today has been quite a dark day for me. I am longing for the day when I can see the light. I eagerly wait for it.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (New International Version)
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Must Try Harder

"Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all"

(SASB 136, verse 4 - lyrics by Isaac Watts)

The last verse from 'When I Survey The Wondrous Cross' echoes through my mind tonight as I write this blog entry. I am trying hard to get down what I feel while it is still fresh in my thinking.

We've been reflecting on periods of 'darkness' during this week as part of our Lent reflections, preparing us for Easter which is just around the corner. I must admit to times when I struggle with my own times of darkness, fighting my own inadequacies, bouts of foul mood. I have certainly felt it this weekend. I try my best, however it never seems to be good enough and I end up feeling frustrated. I do some preparation for use during the weekend but at the end of the day it simply wasn't up to scratch. I battle on, trying to go the extra mile for people and end up feeling physically drained as a result. I can't even seem to press the right button on a keyboard when I have to. Why is this part of my Christian walk seem to be uphill most of the time? Feeling very weary tonight.

And then I hear stories about followers of Jesus who win through despite worse conditions that I suffer. Heroes from within my own church who excel, who do wonderful things. Contemporary saints who face physical danger and even death to help others and to tell others about their faith.

I feel so inadequate. I end up giving myself 3 out of 10, 'must try harder'. I want to be out there with these 'heroes', doing what they are doing, but it all goes awry. Praying hard tonight, as I certainly echo Jesus' words, here:

Matthew 26:41

(New International Version, ©2011)

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Making A Difference

"One man can make a difference..." - Wilton Knight (Richard Basehart) from the original pilot of 'Knight Rider' (1982)

I have spent an interesting week at home, reviewing the past year over and over again in my mind. An unfortunate side-effect of my period of recuperation is the sudden acquisition of bucket-loads of spare time. I can't drive; can't do those little odd jobs in the house. I am encouraged by family to 'take it easy'. So I took time to catch up with friends and relatives, find up what they are up to. At this time of year, you get updates via cards, or on Facebook.

Unfortunately, this made me feel quite sad. I started taking myself to task for all the things that I have failed to do during this year. Friends with which I have lost contact; family members who tease you about some event or other you've missed; good opportunities that slip through your grasp or pass you by. All those things danced around in my mind.

I spent some time in prayerful reflection of all these things. The words of 1 Peter 5:8-9 came to mind while I was doing this. And - with His help -I realised that there is quite another way of looking at this...

Instead of concentrating on those things that I failed to do, I realised that I should also be looking at all those things that I actually did! All the places I went to. What about considering all the people that I helped this year by doing the things I do - who would be there for them if I didn't do what I do?

Yes, there are things I can't do, can't seem to find the time to do. Sorry if I let you down. I'm trying the best way that I know to make a difference in this world by what I do in His name. I want to make a difference - and to continue to do so in 2011.

Can one man make a difference? Yes, I can.

"It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference." - Tom Brokaw

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." - William James

This is my favourite...

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." - Mother Teresa

1 Peter 5:8-9 (New International Version, ©2010)

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

Happy New Year.

Walter's loss

I understand that Andrew Koenig has just been found dead in a park in Vancouver park. He was the son of Star Trek actor Walter Koenig, best known for playing Pavel Chekov in the original Star Trek series.

In a brief statement, Walter revealed that it was believed his son had taken his own life, following an ongoing battle with depression. Andrew was 41, and had failed to return to his home in LA earlier this month. His body was discovered on Thursday 25th February. The coroner's report is still awaited.

Andrew had previously enjoyed some success in his acting career, having enjoyed a regular role on US television in the Eighties. He was also an environmental activist, and an advocate for refugees from Myanmar.

"If you are one of those people who can't handle it any more, know people are out there who really care before you make that final decision," Walter Koenig said. "Talk to somebody."