R is for Robot

robot (noun) : a programmable machine designed to automatically carry out complex tasks. Such a machine is controlled by a computer. Robotic characters have become a staple of science fiction, however robots are now increasingly part of our modern lives.

The word was coined by Czech writer Karel Čapek—and suggested by his brother Josef Čapek—in the 1920 science-fiction play R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots). It derives from the Czech word robota, which translates to "forced labour" or "drudgery".

Calling someone by this name implies they act like a robot; that they are someone who does things in a very effective way but never shows their emotions. 

Joy and Sadness

I went away on holiday after Christmas with my wife, and we ended up in the Netherlands, exploring the beautiful city of Rotterdam. It was very nice to immerse ourselves into a completely different culture for a while, leaving our worries and cares a whole country away...

Whilst I was away, I had the opportunity to catch up on satellite TV with a Pixar film called 'Inside Out' (2015), which I must admit I had avoided seeing at the time as I was a little unsure whether I would be able to enjoy it - or even endure it… Let me explain.

This animated film is set in the mind of a young girl named Riley (voiced by Kaitlyn Dias), where five personified emotions — Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust - try to lead the girl through life.

As Riley grows up, her experiences become memories, which appear on screen as being stored in coloured orbs, which are sent into long-term memory each night. Her five most important 'core memories' start to form aspects of her personality which take the form of floating islands. Joy (Amy Poehler) acts as leader of her emotions, and since she and the other emotions do not understand Sadness's purpose, she tries to keep Sadness (Phyllis Smith) away from the main control console.

Everything starts going badly wrong when Riley and her parents (Diane Lane and Kyle MacLachlan) move from Minnesota to San Francisco… a series of unpleasant experiences from being so far out of her comfort zone affect Riley badly, and when Sadness causes Riley to cry in front of her school class, she creates Riley's first sad core memory. Joy tries to dispose of it quickly but accidentally knocks the other core memories loose during a struggle with Sadness, deactivating the personality islands. Joy, Sadness, and the core memories are then expelled out of Headquarters and sent to long-term memory storage.

By this stage in watching I was hooked. It was the only English language film on at the time, yet I felt  something deep inside myself wanting to turn it off (probably because it was getting a bit too close to home?). Could someone truly go through life without Joy or Sadness? It spoke to my inner me during one of my ‘bad days’. Days when I tend to emotionally switch off and simply ‘go through the motions’… deactivating the personality islands ... I was brave and kept going.

I won’t spoil the rest of it for you, but suffice it to say I literally ended up in tears by the end of the film.

I'll mention a couple of scenes in the film for you. At one point, Joy tries to prevent Sadness from having any influence on Riley by drawing a small chalk “circle of Sadness”, telling her to stay inside the circle. Apparently, psychologists call this type of behaviour 'emotional suppression' - that often something that leads to anxiety and depression. Finally, at the end of the film, Joy realises that she has to embrace the healthiest method for working with emotions: to accept Sadness for who she is. This is called 'mindfully embracing' an emotion.

This is something I need to learn in 2020. Hence, this rather personal blog post.

Saturday Catch-Up - 23rd February 2019

Does it bring you joy?

I'm regularly encouraged to live.. simply. The world outside is increasingly complex, and I simply don't need that in my life any more. I have told that I have everything I need (Psalm 23).

As you may know, we're re-evaluating a number of different things at home, and this year that includes a regular decluttering regime. My son told me about the adage, the simple question noted at the top of this blog entry. It's a simple question, and comes from a book entitled The Life Changing Method of Tidying Up  by a Japanese author, Marie Kondo.

Do I need to keep it, bin it, sell it on, regift it, or recycle it? Far too difficult. Too many options. Too much emotion! So, let's simplify the question. And Marie's initial question in her book is far simpler... popularly known as the KonMari method, there's only one question:

Does it bring you joy?

If you answer yes, you keep it. If you hesitate or say no, you donate it or throw it out.

It's working!

Romans 15:13 (NIV)
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Saturday Catch-Up - 26th January 2019

January has seen the family get to grips with a heck of a lot of baggage. Physical and emotional!

Spring might well be the season of cleaning, but we've started early, well into Winter. Every week this year our family has tackled a different room in the house, and ruthlessly culled things. Recycling, re-evaluating, re-ordering or binning. It's making a difference.

I've blogged before about the emotional baggage that we unearth as we go. I think I'm actually in a better place than I used to be, as this time around I've found 'letting go' to be a much easier exercise than previous sessions. Far less painful. Mementos trigger memories which trigger emotions. But the memories this time around seem to be predominantly happier ones. I've smiled and laughed more. And thanks to my family, kept on going.

Still a whole bunch of rooms to go.

Enjoy The Ride?

As I mentioned last week, sometimes it feels like life is a roller-coaster.

However, don't get me wrong. I'm not so concerned about the ups and downs. Because it's not so much that I want things to be going well all of the time. I know that life isn't like that. You have good days and you have bad days. Wouldn't it rather boring if all the days were the same?

No, it's more the speed that I'm taking the corners at... the sheer pace of life. That's the bit that I can often find to be overwhelming ...

The ups and the downs are all part of the ride. However, it's when it's all coming all at once, there is little time to get ready for what's about to happen next. That's when I find it tough...

Life is like a roller-coaster. It has its ups and downs.
But it’s your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

I'm trying to enjoy the ride. :)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28

Emotional Roller-Coaster

Boy, what a weekend!

Since leaving work on Friday, here is a list of  pretty much everything that happened since then. It's Monday morning when I draft this and I'm feeling emotionally drained... these are the events in alphabetical order, not order of occurrence...

• A night out with my Street Pastors team, and the corresponding lack of sleep
• Avengers: Infinity War (if you've seen the film, you'll understand...)
• Being turned away from my favourite restaurant as the girl said the kitchen staff simply couldn't cope with the backlog of orders. And where did we end up? … see below
• Doing the paperwork in preparation of our church administration meeting - which then had to be rearranged 
• Having the cinema projector break down after ten minutes of Infinity War starting. There was a further ten minute delay while they fixed it. And they restarted it again from the beginning, making a very long film - even longer!
• Purchasing the most expensive meal of burgers and fries that I had ever ordered! (this was where we ended up after not getting into my first choice of restaurant…) And I can't say I could taste the difference in the price. In fact, the fries simply weren't that good… not going there again!
• Sickness in the house - at one stage, thinking we might need an ambulance, then relief that it wasn't necessary, and then caring for the individual until they felt better. Was that food poisoning from the above restaurant? Not sure...
• Sorting out a current account at my bank for my youngest as she starts work
• The partial demolition of a local power station, less than a mile away. By explosion. At 11pm on a Saturday night!
• Waiting for a promised call from a double glazing company, which never arrived...

I've cut the usual weekly activities out, this is just what I did on top of 'business as usual'. I need a holiday... or a less eventful weekend!

Feeling Fine

It's the end of a particularly busy weekend for me.

I think I coped pretty well. Despite the fact that I lost a whole night's sleep on Friday (I was helping out at the Cold Weather Shelter again).

I kept going on Saturday, just to see if I could, and patted myself on the back at how well I was doing. I took a brief nap during Saturday lunchtime (just under 4 hours) and that kept me running until Saturday night, when I slept soundly through to Sunday. Bit tough getting up for church, but there you go.

But it's now Sunday night, and I'm starting to really notice the effects of those missing hours of shut-eye.

I'm definitely ratty. Feelings are all over the place tonight. My mind is really having trouble coping, buzzing away, trying to make sense of every nugget of wisdom, filing every comment and aside that I picked up today. I'm happy, sad, and angry, all at the same time. So sensitive (and I'm a sensitive type anyway)... and trying to record how I feel in this blog, too :)

One scientific explanation is that the emotional centre of my brain (the amygdala) has got hypersensitive due to sleep deprivation, which is why I'm taking in far too much stimuli, and my higher brain functions can't cope and filter.

So - I'm an emotional wreck. And that's why I find it difficult to cope. Behaving less like a grown-up and more like a teenager. Probably because teens get insufficient sleep, too.

I'm fine. But I'm just a bit tired.

I'm off to bed now.

Avengers: Marvel, Movies and Marshmallows

The other week, I went to see "Avengers: Age Of Ultron" with my family. Terrific, we all loved it. I definitely need a copy of the film for my DVD collection. I appreciated all the work that Joss Whedon and team put in to the production, developing some of the characters. I loved to see new members of one of my favourite superhero teams introduced and brought to life; characters that I had known since my teenage years as a young comics geek.

However, to tell the truth - if I had to find a fault it would be with the action sequences, well crafted though they were. There was just too much on the screen, so some of these were a little too much for me. Everything went by as a blur, particularly those shots where multiple Avengers were on screen at the same time. I'm going to have to sit down and watch some of these scenes again, just to pick up all of the detail.

I have since read other reviews of the film. One stood out to me. Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times said, "Although this movie is effective moment to moment, very little of it lingers in the mind afterward. The ideal vehicle for our age of immediate sensation and instant gratification, it disappears without a trace almost as soon as it's consumed."

Instant gratification. I want it now. Isn't that the catchphrase of the modern world?

Walter Mischel developed something called we now call the 'Stanford marshmallow experiment' to test gratification patterns in four-year-olds. In this study, children was offered a choice between one reward (say, a marshmallow) provided straight away, or two rewards if they waited for a short period of 15 minutes. He discovered that having an ability to resist eating the marshmallow immediately would indicate success in later life.

The modern 'action film' is fast-paced and breathtaking. Each new release tries to top the previous one. So, in order to attract a modern audience, new action movies need to be faster and have lots of exciting sequences, hoards of menacing foes, fiery explosions chasing people down a corridor. That has to be there to get the crowds in, I know. Yes, that particular 'marshmallow' is sweet - but I personally want something else from my films.

I want a good storyline. I want something to think about when I head off home. I want to be able to lose myself in their world for a couple of hours. I'm looking for emotion, for teamwork and, above all, for truth.

So, I don't see every movie that's at the cinema. I pick and choose something that's special to me. Something worth waiting for. Something that's definitely worth two marshmallows.

Oh, by the way, on the same day as I saw the film, I also picked up the DVD box set of 'Firefly', Joss Whedon's cult TV series. I'm currently working through the box. There's plenty there!!!

Heart to Heart

"Follow your heart" is a phrase that we hear regularly proclaimed in our popular culture. It’s a belief that your own heart (that is, your inner self, your feelings, your emotions) will be a reliable compass that will direct you to your own true "north" - if you only possess the courage to follow it.

It's a simple phrase, and many find it liberating.

But is it true? Isn't your heart simply telling you what you want to hear?

I did some reading this week to see what scripture says on the subject. Here's a selection of verses (all readings NIV):

Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Proverbs 28:26 - "Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Matthew 15:19 - "For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander."

There are a whole lot of other examples, however the gist of this is to underline that our hearts were never meant to be followed. If you follow your own guidance, you're bound to end up in the wrong place.

Understandably, we are told not to believe our hearts; instead, to direct our hearts to believe in God. Simply put - Don’t follow your heart; follow Jesus. 

Now, as a person who possesses quite deep feelings, it's tough - input comes at you all the time. On busy days it can get overwhelming. So, it's nice to know your heart does have an important part to play in the proceedings.

• It makes it quite clear what you want. Your inner self, your emotions. Are you feeling angry? Your heart is telling you something is wrong. However, that's not enough. It also needs your head (your reason) to analyse this input, and then wisdom to decide how to act... and I have always found God's teachings to be sound. Check them out - before you act rashly... James 3:17 - "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
• Repentance needs to come from the heart... and is always accompanied by a change of behaviour. True repentance says and means, “If I had this to do over again, I would do it differently.”
• Belief comes from the heart. Romans 10:9-11 states If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”
• Obedience comes from the heart. Jesus said, "If you love me, keep my commands." (John 14:15). 

Can you do that today?

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

More About Tailspins

It was way back in June 2014 that I last wrote a piece on emotional 'tailspins'. Here is the original link. At the time I promised you a follow-up, so here it is!

One of the triggers that precede 'tailspin' incidents in me (times where my emotions start going awry) is a high degree of overwhelming input. Far too much happening in too short a time, too many moments of high drama, and insufficient time between incidents to effectively work my way through it. I start becoming increasingly insular, starting patterns of social isolation (I start finding excuses to keep away from people) because it's just too painful to take any more input! Prevent me from getting some quality 'me time' and pretty soon I start to 'tailspin'.

One of the things that I've been trying to do in the past few years is to try and identify what’s happening to me before it becomes a problem; before I start hitting that emotional 'tailspin'. It's often a question of continual self-examination: How am I really feeling? Why can't I admit that to others? And so on...

Knowing My Limits

Pushing a boundary or two in my calendar is not an unfamiliar thing. I can sometimes fit in something else, even on a busy day, so why not? Emergencies happen, I just have to deal with them. The difficulty comes when things are already a bit manic, when things just get a little too much to handle. I want to say no (as much for self-preservation as anything), but it's not possible without letting someone down that I care about.

On such days, I end up feeling drained, overtired, ratty. Sure, I pat myself on the back, I've made it through, it's the end of the day - however, tomorrow's coming. A brief respite, at least. Then the problem is knowing how long is enough for me to recharge. It varies so much - particularly on those times when I'm keeping some weird hours. I know what is normal for me, but it is getting tougher to judge if that week has been unsettled, with too many extras.

On extreme days, when my need for periods of solitude becomes vital, I'll end up doing a few things that are quite out of character for me - ignoring phone calls, running away from people's requests, finding any and all opportunities to retreat from personal contact. The fear is those desperate attempts at vital solitude will soon become out-and-out isolation. I'll end up a hermit!

Stopping the Spiral

I am aware that I need to break out of such a cycle. 'No' doesn't work very often (ever tried it?), but there are other ways. Prayer is particularly effective for me. Maybe it’s forcing yourself just to go for a walk to the shops, something a colleague once called a 'microholiday'. Meeting up with a friend for coffee - provided that there is no ulterior motive...

Do something, whatever it takes for stop, and reverse the 'tailspin' spiral.

Comments welcomed.

On Emotions, Feelings and Numbness

This is a follow up to a post I wrote a few months ago about numbness. Here it is for ease of reference...

Just to put that last post in context, it was written just after I had experienced an extended period of numbness: I posted it up as a way of simply coming to terms with the whole experience. I wanted to understand what it happened, and why. I wanted to identify what had triggered it. The Pink Floyd song just summed it up for me!

The odd thing was that, during my 'numbness' experience, I couldn't honesty say that I was, on the whole, particularly unhappy. It was just that I didn't really feel anything. Everything was just kind of neutral, non-descript. A rather bland shade of beige.

I'm coming back to this again as I've gained a new insight in to this in recent weeks. My son has just turned 18 and he's encountering a whole new series of challenges, one after another (social, emotional, physical). And I'm seeing the same sort of thing happen to him. He's struggling to process all of the emotional input. He goes into autopilot, goes into what he calls his 'dog and pony show' routine (when he's going through the motions). Interestingly, he is an introvert, like me. Is there a connection?

I believe so. In searching for clues I have come across plenty of people who are able to share their experiences about introverts and this 'lack of feeling' seems to be remarkably common! Many have asked similar questions. What causes this inner numbness? And how do you fix it?

The key to this for me is in understanding who I am; how God has made me. He made me an introvert; and a highly sensitive one at that. Introverts like myself don't thrive in busy social gatherings; in fact, the whole experience is intensely draining. We then recharge by preciously guarding periods of 'down time'. Time alone, away from distractions.

I must admit, in times of high emotion, I get swamped! Some experiences, emotional highs, can be overwhelming. Yes, the times are great - but enough is enough. And too much is way too much! My times of numbness have usually followed frantic periods of activity, huge chunks of time taken up with crowds of people or loads of interaction, one person after another. I'm running on vapour by the end of the day and simply start 'switching off'. It's automatic, a self-defence mechanism - to combat the constant energy drain, I start to shut down my emotions.

However, I've learnt (often, the hard way!) that this means I need to rest! Start up the next day without being properly rested and I run the risk of these emotions failing to boot up at all! Regularly ignore all the warnings and pretty soon my emotions will be so well hidden that even I won’t know how to find them...

I'm getting better at reading the signs, now I know what it means. It's OK, I just need time to recover. I'll soon be able to feel again.

Tailspin

(tāl′spĭn′) noun:
1.The rapid descent of an aircraft in a steep, spiral spin.

2. Informal A loss of emotional control sometimes resulting in emotional collapse.

Have you ever got yourself into such a state that life just seems to get progressively worse and worse? I've heard it called an emotional tailspin. Spiralling down, out of control, just like the planes you see in the films. A crash seems inevitable. Not good.

I'm afraid I've had this experience from time to time, so I know what I'm talking about. But I now have the answer. I know now that disaster can be avoided - I can pull out of such a 'tailspin'!

I need to start to think. Think, rather than feel.

Get one too many negative in any given day, and it's like an emotional traffic jam has occurred. I try and come to terms with each thing, but it becomes simply too much. Emotions start to overwhelm me - anger, confusion, negativity. It drains me physically. I start shutting down; I begin to switch off emotionally. If I can't remove myself from this I know that I'll begin to spiral out of control. And going home isn't an option most of the time...

It's terribly hard for me to do anything when I start to enter a tailspin. With each new challenge that comes along, I run a greater risk of 'losing it'.

Tailspins don't stop by themselves; it needs concerted effort from the pilot to pull the plane out of a spin. I need to take time out; re-centre myself. I need time to call on my Lord to centre my mind. He needs to take control of the 'plane' for a while. He needs to press reset on my emotions. He needs to clear my mind to allow myself to think clearly.

I read the other day about a bumper sticker that said "If God Is Your Co-Pilot, Switch Seats"... yes, understood.

More later....

Decluttering...

I've spent what seems like an eternity recently, decluttering one of the rooms in my house.

I'm assured that it's only actually been two days. However, it seems like forever... because I've been a little unprepared by all of the emotional baggage that has been unearthed at the same time. Mementos trigger memories which in turn trigger emotions. Before too long I am reliving times in my life that I had forgotten, little details from the past that have been long buried. Details flood my mind, roll around in my thoughts. I've been travelling in time - and I feel a bit jet-lagged!

I've also quite taken aback by the pleasant feelings when I reach a milestone. When it's out of the away, cleared away.

I am also reliably informed that outer order contributes to inner calm.

I hope so. 

Sturm und Drang

"Shing-a-ling, What a creepy thing to be happening!
(Look out, look out, look out, look out!)
Shang-a-lang, Feel the sturm und drang in the air.
(Yeah, yeah, yeah.)
Sha-la-la, Stop right where you are, don't you move a thing."
(lyrics, "Little Shop of Horrors")

Can you feel it? That strange, uneasy sense that you get when you know that you're on the cusp of some major changes - some of them will upset the apple cart big time... I know it's coming. It's just around the corner now. Just got to hold on tight to something firm. Hang on!

"I love you, Lord, You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Saviour. My God is my rock in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and He saved me from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 (NLT)

("Sturm und Drang" is a German phrase, sometimes translated as "Storm and Stress". It refers to extremes of emotional turmoil, upheaval and unrest described in literary works.)

Trust Your Feelings?

Time for some really deep questions... Are we, as human beings, designed with some sort of inbuilt defence mechanism to protect us? Should we therefore follow our feelings, our instincts?

I've been giving this question some serious thought during the last month, during my monthly break from blogging.

You see, over the past few decades it seems to me that it's become socially acceptable to follow your feelings. It assumes that something deep within you will steer you right. If you feel strongly about something, it has to have some meaning. It's also become part of our popular culture - Luke Skywalker is encouraged to "trust his feelings" in the original Star Wars film (1977, pictured above). However, how logical - and therefore, how safe - is it to let your feelings control your behaviour?

Some clarity first - when I talk about "feelings", I'm making a clear distinction between emotion and intuition. Blindly following your emotions is clearly not a good idea. If we continue our comparison with the Star Wars movies, you will recall that characters are warned that emotions can lead you to the Dark Side. I can't argue with that in the real world, either!

The problem with feelings is having a sound base to start from. If our thoughts are based on incorrect information or on false assumptions, then consequently any feelings associated with these thoughts are bound to be equally distorted—and hardly to be trusted. For example, if you truly believe you are in a "hopeless" situation, the subsequent feelings of despair that you'll experience could well be overwhelming. On the other hand, you might truly believe that you can have anything you ever wanted - that "the world is your oyster" - so it's clear that you will probably feel unfairly treated the first time that anyone says 'no' to you.

Both of these situations are based on a false assumption - therefore, any consequent feelings cannot be reasonably justified. Hence, we should always try to seek the truth first. However painful that truth may be.

More later... as I unpack this further.

Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?