A Cup Of Wisdom

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Socrates

In my dome of ivory,
A home of activity,
I want the answers quickly,
But I don't have no energy.
I hold a cup of wisdom,
But there is nothing within...
(lyrics from 'Sat In Your Lap' by Kate Bush)

In my current stage of recuperation from the recent round of hospital visits I am increasingly aware that I have a tremendous opportunity here to take stock of my life.

And, of course, I need God’s help. In fact, I don't want to move forward without it.

Does prayer guide my life, or do I just make a series of plans and then ask God to bless them?

Dear Lord, please guide me today. Help me not to act on my own wisdom, as I realise how often this is lacking... Help me to seek Your will in every situation. Amen.

Picking Up The Pieces

Jeremiah 17:14 (The Message)
God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!

Today I was trying to get things in my life back to normal. It wasn't as easy as I thought.

I had spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in and out of St Thomas's Hospital, with all the inconvenience that a daily series of outpatient appointments can cause in a busy life. In fact, I did nothing on Wednesday apart from attending hospital and travelling by bus and train. All were draining. And, as expected, there was some physical side-effects from the course of steroid infusions, which threw my system completely out of whack. At least all the treatment seems to be having a positive effect...

I went back to the office today and was able to perform pretty well, but I felt so very tired. The mood swings were definitely well in effect and I tried very hard to hold it all together. At least, until I got in the car to go home. The delays on the motorway due to the Dartford Crossing getting snarled again (emergency repairs on the left bore tunnel) left my home town gridlocked and loused up my plans for the latter half of the day. It left me physically and mentally drained and sapped of energy. I flopped down on the sofa and just laid there for a couple of hours. That's not what I wanted to do tonight - but all I felt like doing.

One of the side-effects of steroids was supposed to be Increased Energy. Certainly not in my case!

Tomorrow will be better. Please...

Exhibitions And Faking It

It's that time again. Time to man the company stand at another busy exhibition. Not the best sort of day for me - but at least I understand now why I'll find it tough. Because I'm a natural introvert.

Exhibitions like this one can can be difficult for me, as I rapidly lose energy in such a busy setting. I know that I am only at my most productive in a quiet environment - somewhere that I'm unlikely to find much over the next couple of days.

And what about the others at the event? Because it tends to be a sales-based exhibition, most of the stands will probably be manned by extroverts, eager to sell their wares. But are they? Because I've discovered a lot of introverts cover it up - faking extroversion. I used to do it myself!

It's because modern-day society is positively geared towards extroversion. Susan Cain has written about it in her book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking". Here's the quote -

“For the same reason that Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique in 1963. Introverts are to extroverts what women were to men at that time – second-class citizens with gigantic amounts of untapped talent. Our schools, workplaces, and religious institutions are designed for extroverts, and many introverts believe that there is something wrong with them and that they should try to “pass” as extroverts. The bias against introversion leads to a colossal waste of talent, energy, and, ultimately, happiness.”

Thanks to Susan and many others, introversion is starting to be accepted more and more. It's OK for people to be this way. This is the way that God has made me.

So, I expect this exhibition will be noisy, with hundreds of people milling about and with loads of small talk (ugh). It's going to be more endure than enjoy.

But I do intend to enjoy some of it.

It is a Christian Exhibition, And so I know there will be a precious oasis of quiet somewhere at the venue. And I know God will be there.

I'll be looking out for Him. And He'll show me something great.

Choices

I don't know about you, but my brain is filled with hundreds and hundreds of possibilities.
Maybes and What Ifs, Could Bes and a whole load of Must Dos. All conflicting, all jostling for position.

The problem is - I don't want to do just one thing. I want to do them all. I want the new experiences, a whole load of the challenges, and all the regular stuff that I love to do as well. I want to live life to the full.

And that means I struggle between doing new things and carrying on with my existing commitments.
As I have already established in a previous post, I only have enough time to do some of what I can do. Or enough energy. So I need to choose, and choose wisely.

Let's say, there is something important in the list of things that you have to do. Wouldn't you want to do it? But you can't do everything. So, you'd need to drop something. In extreme cases, if the thing was very, very important, you'd need to drop everything else.

Attempting to pull yourself in too many directions is the single quickest way to failure. And putting your all into a single direction is the quickest way to success.

If you want to follow your dreams, you have to say no to all the alternatives. It’s not easy, but that's the price of success.

Matthew 13:45-46 (NIV)
"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

Energy Vampires

"People empty me. I have to get away to refill." - Charles Bukowski

Does dealing with a large number of people leave you physically and emotionally drained? Yep, that's me in a nutshell. I've shared this a number of times before.

However, some people are much worse than others. Interestingly, I have just learnt that there's a term for these people. They call them 'energy vampires'...

They take - and take - and never give. They'll drain you of energy (introvert or extrovert, alike) much faster than normal. You know the type. They're the serial complainers of this world. Nothing makes them happier than having something to moan about. To them, life is full of problems - their problems - and everyone is expected to show up to wallow at their regular pity parties.

However, I know that God loves them - and it becomes a real challenge to care for them. Sure, they are draining, but that's no reason to shun them. Sorry, it's not that easy. These folk are clearly in need and I certainly wouldn't abandon them without trying. However, I am aware that I may not be able to do this on my own - it may take several of you working together to talk to them.

I know that when I deal with these people, I need to have well-defined boundaries. If I've had a tough day, I need to be willing to say "no" if I really can't handle dealing with these people at the moment.

I know that it's important to identify those situations where you've had your energy sucked away. Afterwards, I can then prayerfully regroup, putting my life back into perspective and doing something that brings my energy back - like spending time with people who do energise me.

Knowing When To Smile

I have been encouraged by two separate emails today to spread happiness to others by smiling.

Yes, I am well aware of the awesome power of a smile in the right environment. However, if I start grinning at everybody here and now (I'm writing this on the commuter train to London Cannon Street, very few smiles here) then I may get some weird looks!

So, it's as much gauging that someone needs a smile and that it's appropriate to give it as the actual delivery.

It's right that I should be encouraged to smile. Regardless of the kind of day I am having, the person I am talking to may have more need of it. They may need its energy to see them through a difficult task. It could lift someone up enough to totally change their day!

So, my goal today is to try and spread energy through smiling as often as I can! The aim: that it will ignite other people's own smiles along with the positive energy that comes along with it!

We’re going to fill, fill, fill the world with glory;
We’re going to smile, smile, smile and not frown;
We’re going to sing, sing, sing the gospel story;
We’re going to turn the world upside down.
(SASB 801, chorus)

On Emotions, Feelings and Numbness

This is a follow up to a post I wrote a few months ago about numbness. Here it is for ease of reference...

Just to put that last post in context, it was written just after I had experienced an extended period of numbness: I posted it up as a way of simply coming to terms with the whole experience. I wanted to understand what it happened, and why. I wanted to identify what had triggered it. The Pink Floyd song just summed it up for me!

The odd thing was that, during my 'numbness' experience, I couldn't honesty say that I was, on the whole, particularly unhappy. It was just that I didn't really feel anything. Everything was just kind of neutral, non-descript. A rather bland shade of beige.

I'm coming back to this again as I've gained a new insight in to this in recent weeks. My son has just turned 18 and he's encountering a whole new series of challenges, one after another (social, emotional, physical). And I'm seeing the same sort of thing happen to him. He's struggling to process all of the emotional input. He goes into autopilot, goes into what he calls his 'dog and pony show' routine (when he's going through the motions). Interestingly, he is an introvert, like me. Is there a connection?

I believe so. In searching for clues I have come across plenty of people who are able to share their experiences about introverts and this 'lack of feeling' seems to be remarkably common! Many have asked similar questions. What causes this inner numbness? And how do you fix it?

The key to this for me is in understanding who I am; how God has made me. He made me an introvert; and a highly sensitive one at that. Introverts like myself don't thrive in busy social gatherings; in fact, the whole experience is intensely draining. We then recharge by preciously guarding periods of 'down time'. Time alone, away from distractions.

I must admit, in times of high emotion, I get swamped! Some experiences, emotional highs, can be overwhelming. Yes, the times are great - but enough is enough. And too much is way too much! My times of numbness have usually followed frantic periods of activity, huge chunks of time taken up with crowds of people or loads of interaction, one person after another. I'm running on vapour by the end of the day and simply start 'switching off'. It's automatic, a self-defence mechanism - to combat the constant energy drain, I start to shut down my emotions.

However, I've learnt (often, the hard way!) that this means I need to rest! Start up the next day without being properly rested and I run the risk of these emotions failing to boot up at all! Regularly ignore all the warnings and pretty soon my emotions will be so well hidden that even I won’t know how to find them...

I'm getting better at reading the signs, now I know what it means. It's OK, I just need time to recover. I'll soon be able to feel again.

Running On Empty

It's been a terrific weekend. A busy day at Westminster Central Hall on Saturday at Commissioning; another busy day at my Corps with the visit of Romford Band for the day. Loved both of them. However, I'm now decidedly tired. in fact, I'm running on empty.

As an introvert, each of these events is a bit like a marathon to me. Social interactions in these sort of events are fine, but they take work. Introverts like myself are drained by social encounters and only get their energy back by having time to recover.

Time to recharge, to do something creative. I've another busy week ahead of me next week.