Three Quotes About Small Talk

“Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.” ~ Laurie Helgoe

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” ~ Plato

“[Introverts] listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror for small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.” ~ Susan Cain

Exhibitions And Faking It

It's that time again. Time to man the company stand at another busy exhibition. Not the best sort of day for me - but at least I understand now why I'll find it tough. Because I'm a natural introvert.

Exhibitions like this one can can be difficult for me, as I rapidly lose energy in such a busy setting. I know that I am only at my most productive in a quiet environment - somewhere that I'm unlikely to find much over the next couple of days.

And what about the others at the event? Because it tends to be a sales-based exhibition, most of the stands will probably be manned by extroverts, eager to sell their wares. But are they? Because I've discovered a lot of introverts cover it up - faking extroversion. I used to do it myself!

It's because modern-day society is positively geared towards extroversion. Susan Cain has written about it in her book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking". Here's the quote -

“For the same reason that Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique in 1963. Introverts are to extroverts what women were to men at that time – second-class citizens with gigantic amounts of untapped talent. Our schools, workplaces, and religious institutions are designed for extroverts, and many introverts believe that there is something wrong with them and that they should try to “pass” as extroverts. The bias against introversion leads to a colossal waste of talent, energy, and, ultimately, happiness.”

Thanks to Susan and many others, introversion is starting to be accepted more and more. It's OK for people to be this way. This is the way that God has made me.

So, I expect this exhibition will be noisy, with hundreds of people milling about and with loads of small talk (ugh). It's going to be more endure than enjoy.

But I do intend to enjoy some of it.

It is a Christian Exhibition, And so I know there will be a precious oasis of quiet somewhere at the venue. And I know God will be there.

I'll be looking out for Him. And He'll show me something great.

Go And Mingle...

I thought I was doing quite well. Our little Singers' group had an engagement at a local venue, and during the afternoon we were giving them a taste of our 'Messy Church' activities. All went well, and everyone seemed to join in with the group activities, in what we were doing. Great.

And the activities came to an end. And then we had to...

"Go and mingle..."

Oh.

Possibly the hardest part of the proceedings. Unstructured small talk.

However, I still went out and did my bit. Well, you have to, don't you...

"Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people." - Laurie A. Helgoe

Small Talk: Big Deal

Just arrived back home from a hectic week away, an opportunity to practice the "small talk" skills that I personally find so tricky. As I mentioned in a previous post, these usually consist of a series of practised and well-rehearsed lines, open questions that can start off a conversation, to 'break the ice' and thus give me an introduction when I was working on the exhibition stand for my work. I used the week as an opportunity to work on my technique. Or lack thereof...

The old lines? Forget it. Not interested. And neither was I, to be honest...

I tried smiling. Some smiled back and simply kept right on walking by. Some ignored me completely, not even acknowledging my existence! (sigh)

I tried catching their eye. This was slightly more effective, at least a tentative link had been established! I had a couple of pretty good conversations from a glance in the right direction, a bond with the individual straight away. So much for 'small talk'.

The best and most productive conversations? Well, they came directly out of those encounters with folk who seemed genuinely interested in talking back to you. These were folk who really wanted a conversation; they were keen on communicating with you, happy to meet you half-way and keen to react to the information that I wanted to impart to them. Fertile ground.

Hmmm ... interesting. I've also been thinking a lot about evangelism this week, following a conversation on Monday at church about telling others about Christ. I couldn't help but link up this subject to my own clumsy attempts to talk to others. Jesus' words in the Parable Of The Sower also keep coming back to me tonight:

Matthew 13:1-9 (NIV)
That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

Small Talk: an update

A while ago I posted something about small talk. There's a link to my earlier post here.

Now I admit this is something that I don't find easy. In fact I have to work so hard at this because of some of the roles I have to fulfil that I find the whole affair just incredibly difficult. I end up physically and emotionally drained at the end of it. All those people, all those conversations. Towards the end of a day all I want to do is go home and sleep.

I've discovered that I tend to go into 'broken record' mode, relaxing into tried and tested phrases, like "isn't the weather nice?", "are you looking forward to (insert name of event) today?", "isn't this greenfly awful?" and so on. I've found out that I don't respond well to rudeness - and some folk can be extremely rude - so that tends to rattle me. And I've learnt that a phrase or two from someone's reply can stick with me for the rest of the day, as I ponder it and roll it around in my head. So much so that it can put me off what I'm supposed to be there for!

I know that I need to work at this if I want to develop my skills here. As far as 'lines' are concerned, I guess I'm getting rather bored with these and so these don't work well for me at present. In fact, the best advice I've been given is just to look interested and smile. And to let the people talk to you, using my skills as a good listener to steer the conversation from there.

I've got an opportunity to practice some small talk over the next few days. And I think I'll try one or two new things. Like just smiling at people.

Will see what happens, and report back.

Small Talk

There's a particular episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation ("Starship Mine") where Data, keen to master all the different aspects of being human, has to try and learn the art of "small talk" - starting or maintaining a dialogue with someone with talk on various different topics. Or, as Data puts it himself:

"...I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation."

Now, I'm particularly lousy at small talk. I'm reliably informed that a lot of us introverts are. We have to work hard at it! So I tried a little experiment recently. For an hour or so I simply turned off the small talk. If anyone asked me a direct question, I answered it (I wasn't rude). But I left the silences unfilled.

Boy, was it quiet! But it was an interesting exercise... and it got me thinking...

Matthew 12:36 (NIV)
But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgement for every empty word they have spoken.