Must Try Harder

"Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all"

(SASB 136, verse 4 - lyrics by Isaac Watts)

The last verse from 'When I Survey The Wondrous Cross' echoes through my mind tonight as I write this blog entry. I am trying hard to get down what I feel while it is still fresh in my thinking.

We've been reflecting on periods of 'darkness' during this week as part of our Lent reflections, preparing us for Easter which is just around the corner. I must admit to times when I struggle with my own times of darkness, fighting my own inadequacies, bouts of foul mood. I have certainly felt it this weekend. I try my best, however it never seems to be good enough and I end up feeling frustrated. I do some preparation for use during the weekend but at the end of the day it simply wasn't up to scratch. I battle on, trying to go the extra mile for people and end up feeling physically drained as a result. I can't even seem to press the right button on a keyboard when I have to. Why is this part of my Christian walk seem to be uphill most of the time? Feeling very weary tonight.

And then I hear stories about followers of Jesus who win through despite worse conditions that I suffer. Heroes from within my own church who excel, who do wonderful things. Contemporary saints who face physical danger and even death to help others and to tell others about their faith.

I feel so inadequate. I end up giving myself 3 out of 10, 'must try harder'. I want to be out there with these 'heroes', doing what they are doing, but it all goes awry. Praying hard tonight, as I certainly echo Jesus' words, here:

Matthew 26:41

(New International Version, ©2011)

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."