Am I Too Nice?

My name is Colin and apparently I have a problem. I am 'too nice'. Or so I was told last week.

Sure, I do things differently.

I try and be polite, when others that I know seem to strive to be downright rude and obnoxious...

I try and be helpful, when others clearly don't care a fig and genuinely prefer to knock people - and even kick them while they're down ...

I try and be punctual, when others seem to consider appointment times as merely a suggestion...

I try and be respectful of other's views, unlike others who are absurdly judgemental and outrageously close-minded...

So, is that wrong? Have I got it that wrong?

I read something online this week that said the key point here was having self-respect. It was having a clear sense of who you are and what you want out of life...

And, as a Christian, I am challenged to follow Jesus - to try and be like more and more like Jesus...

OK, then. Perhaps I need to take as my role model the person who made a whip, driving out the moneychangers from the temple, turning over their sales tables.

The person who threw insults at the religious leaders of the time: “white-washed tombs”; “hypocrites”; “snakes.”

The person who frequently challenged conventional ways of thinking...

The person who went out of his way to befriend the friendless; to love the unloved. Revolutionary love!

The person who wasn't scared of showing his emotions, openly weeping at times.

The person who boldly proclaimed the truth, even if it offended those who heard it.

The person who taught with so much controversy that some threatened to stone him. They eventually found a way to have him crucified.

And even death itself could not contain Him.

What if I followed this right to the letter... I doubt if they would be calling me 'nice' for much longer... more for me to think about!!

Note: I am also reminded that the 'others' that I mentioned in the first part of this blog post are perhaps the very people Jesus is calling me to help... (sigh)

Letting Go - Part Two

Our Heavenly Father is truly awesome, isn't He? After posting about forgiveness last week, I was totally blown away by Zoe's message at my own Corps this past Sunday - on precisely the same topic. There have been other references that have been cropping up throughout the week. Coincidence, or underlining? I know what I think...

One thing that this week has proved to me is that all of us can get hurt as we go through life. Each of us fight some sort of battle every day. Not one of us is immune; however each of us can hurt differently as our particular strengths and weaknesses differ...

However, we simply prolong any pain that we suffer if we find it hard to let go of these 'hurts', to forgive, to move on...

It's incredible how long we can hold on to something so painful! Teachers that we are still bitter about, years after leaving school... work colleagues from decades ago who remain in control of you because of bullying tactics of the past... family members who still have a strong grip on your feelings, even though they are no longer around...

On many occasions we may be the only one that remembers the incident, keeping it alive; therefore only we have the choice as to whether to continue carrying these burdens, these grudges.

If we hold these past hurts close to us, we keep others at a distance... our loved ones, our friends. Even the Almighty Himself...

So, the first thing I need to do to deal with my pain is to acknowledge I've been hurt. Is that tough?  It could well be. God revealed to me recently that there are some unresolved hurts in my past. Things that happened to me that I didn't complain about but simply hid. I put a brave face on it but cannot do this any more. Glib phrases like "Big boys and girls don't cry" simply don't work any more. And running away from the pain does not solve the problem.

In Bible study this week we were reminded that Jesus instructed us to "Pick up your cross and follow me." These hurts are crosses to pick up, to face and to embrace. Because if we can't face facts that we have been 'wounded' and take time to heal (with the help of The Great Physician), how are we going to deal with the next hurdle...

... forgiving the person who did this?

More later - as I work this through...

Learning To Let Go Of Past Hurts

I haven't blogged on the subject of bitterness for a while. Unfortunately, I really need to, this week.. Apologies if I get a bit deep and more than a little cryptic...

I am increasingly aware of a few stray pieces of 'unfinished business' in my life. One caught me unawares a few months ago. "I thought I had dealt with that..." Unfortunately it got very messy; it was very emotional.

These are things that have happened in the past that I need to deal with; draw a line under, and move on. I know deep down that these little bits and pieces bubble to the surface, restricting me from making significant progress in other areas of my life... they pop up and drag me down. There are quite a few!

I won't dwell on details, but these things do hurt; many of them hang around as bitterness over past actions by others. My Father in Heaven knows them all, but it is clearly down to me to deal with each of them. Deep down I want to rid myself of them because they gnaw away at me. They cloud my thoughts, make it difficult to think.

Why can't I let go? I know that I must learn to let go. I've tried making a fresh start, to break away - but that hasn't worked. And over the last week I've worked out why...

Let me explain - this is how I see it. Think of it like one of the Apollo space missions - the Saturn V needs to reach a particular momentum in order to launch the Command and Lunar Modules out into space. Escape velocity for Earth is quite a speed - a spacecraft needs to be going about 40,000 kph (25,000 mph) in order to successfully enter Earth's orbit. Fail to get up to speed and you are pulled back down to Earth. With a big bump. (stats courtesy of NASA!)

I've tried to break away from some of my 'hurts' in recent years but fail - I just get pulled back down to Earth with a bump. Back into the 'situation'.

Some have been telling me that I need more speed. What I've prayerfully deduced is that I'm just too heavy. I'm carrying excess baggage. These 'hurts', they slow me down. I still keep trying. Even though I hurt with repeated attempts; even though each time I have to make myself painfully vulnerable to do so. Which hurts me as well!

These 'hurts'. What sort of things are we talking about?

Well, here's a extract from my own internal monologue:

Doesn't he realise how much that hurt me? Let it go.
He made me feel worthless. Let it go.
What He did to that girl was so unfair. Let it go.

But how do I let go?

Our Corps touched on this in a recent House Fellowship, when we looked at the phrase "forgive and forget". The phrase is not found in the Bible, which surprised some of us.

However, there are many references to “forgiving one another” (Matthew 6:14; Ephesians 4:32). As for forgiving, it's down to us - you and I. Forgiveness has to be a decision of the will. God commands us to forgive, to free us from the ties of the past.

However, I can't truly forget; I cannot selectively "delete" events from my life history. Neither can God - but He chooses not to "remember" (Hebrews 8:12).

So when I forgive someone, I need to choose not to remember. I should act as if that incident had never occurred. I need to let go of the 'hurt'. Let go of the hope that the person might change; that the situation might improve.

Trouble is, Letting go often feels too much like giving up. But I need to do it.

Because I know God had something else for me to do. I can't take hold of it yet, my hands are still full with my 'hurts'. I need to let go; otherwise how can I receive something better?

Comments and prayers welcomed.

I Should Have Said...

I don't usually do 'snappy comebacks'. You know, just the right set of words for those 'spur of the moment' encounters with members of the public. I had one of those moments this past Friday. Couldn't think of what to say...

Finding 'le mot juste' at the drop of a hat is not particularly something that I am gifted in.

I love to choose my words carefully, relishing in the complexity of the English language. I wouldn't say I am an expert wordsmith, however I'm 'improving with practice'. I do have a knack for writing; jotting down what I need to say, embellishing it, changing the order of the words in the sentence, changing it again, proofing, and rewriting until I am happy with the finished product. This very blog entry took me two minutes to devise, but two whole days to get right before it was ready to post!

Oh well... perhaps next time...

Too Much Or Not Enough?

I've been looking at the '40 Acts of Kindness' resource since Lent started a few days ago. There is a link to it here. And already I've encountered a specific and definite challenge... a need for me to reexamine the whole concept of generosity. This was underlined by the message at my home Corps today (although my minister didn't know I had this very post in draft)...

It's a good thing to be known for being generous. However, I know that many people feel they can't give as much as they would like. Either in terms of money, or by using time or talents voluntarily. I get to hear this sort of thing on a regular basis - usually on those days when I am out fundraising.

However, I was challenged the other day with a thought that generosity can often connected to power - and that has started to trouble me just a little bit...

• Does my generosity to others stem from true compassion, or simply from a need to be respected or valued? To have the moral high ground? 
• Am I doing it because everyone else is?
• Do I give just to make me feel good? A warm feeling at the end of the day?

Being truly generous makes you vulnerable. Every penny you give to others is one you can't spend on your own needs. Give away just a little too much, and you run the risk of not having enough to feed or clothe yourself...

Or, thinking in terms of time, can you get so busy looking after others that you are often neglecting your own needs? Leaving yourself out? Neglecting your own household, your own family?

And so the big question is - how much is too much?

I must admit that I suffer from feelings of  confusion here; of embarrassment; of guilt; of vulnerability. I want to make a difference. I try and give what I can but am constantly challenged to give more; to do much more. I want to be a blessing to others. I realise that my generosity is my own choice; however it is one that can often upset others (I get asked at least once a week "why do you give up so much of your own free time doing this?"). Yes, I get criticised for what I do. I have been hurt quite deeply in the past.

So, is it just for my own self-gratification? OK, let's take that out of the equation. It's tricky - being a member of a uniformed organisation makes you awfully visible. However, over the last three years I have tried to keep some my own acts of generosity quiet. It can be difficult (some people find out and take time to tell me off later!).  However, I have found that is remarkably effective. But is that right? Jesus taught us to "not let the left hand know what the right hand is doing" (Matthew 6:3). Still trying to work through this concept...

Is it because I want to feel good? Still working on that one... but as long as the main reason is to make others feel better, surely I am on the right lines...

And another thing... A reading the other day highlighted another fact: that I can only give because God has first given to me. I can't give what I haven't got. But I can give what I have.

It concluded that giving is inseparably linked to receiving; Therefore I can only begin to be used by God to meet another’s need whilst I am allowing God to meet my own. And that means admitting my own vulnerability (something that I find extremely difficult)...

Hmmm... comments welcomed...

My Best Laid Plans

"But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!"

Words there from Scottish writer Robert Burns, taken from his poem 'To A Mouse'. Wise words indeed, despite the dialect. For it seems that, no matter how much I strive to develop a strategy, rehearse a prepared script or otherwise map things out beforehand, my 'best laid plans' do very often go awry...

Looking back over a busy February, I can see that things haven't gone at all to plan. Nothing particularly disastrous has happened, however I don't think anything has gone without a hitch. In many cases I've needed to go the extra mile just to see 'business as usual' go through. 

February 2014 has seen plans cancelled, postponed or get completely rearranged due to: bad weather, people not turning up when they should be there, a favour to a friend, growing pressures from family, people suddenly turning up when they said they wouldn't be there (!), a couple of mystery reasons (nothing was ever explained!), health issues, money issues, etc, etc. It's been exhausting - but it's now a new month. I survived - a little bruised and battered, a little poorer...

I am so glad that there is one sure constant in my daily walk on this Earth. One reliable, ever-present friend... and, as others keep reminding me, He has a plan for my life.

Many have used a particular promise, as shown in Jeremiah 29:11, as a source of comfort to them in a chaotic and unpredictable world. The ESV translation says:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

However, there is more to this verse than meets the eye. I've read some of the commentaries. Perhaps you should, too. It's well worth having a look at this reading in context; study it; mull on it. There's more to it than that...

You think He is going to pull you out of a bad situation, give you an idyllic 'happy ending'? Maybe - but not in the short-term. It could take years...

And it's not a one-way street. I'm conscious that there needs to be a degree of commitment on my side. I am aware that God wants me in this for the long haul, not simply for a quick win.

I reflect on the future. Still unspoilt, pristine. Still unwritten. And I know there is still work that needs to be done; something else that He needs me to do. I just don't know what it is yet...

I do often sit and wonder what God has in mind for the rest of my life. What great tasks are still ahead of me. Whatever His bigger plan is, I still cannot see. 

I push the doors that I think God wants me to; some remain firmly shut. Others open just a little, but there is often nothing there for me; I am disappointed. Wherever He is leading me, I fail to fully comprehend. It's clearly one of those things that will take time to unfold. 

However, I will trust Him. I need to trust Him.