It's All Gone Pete Tong

The title for this post is a reference to a piece of modern cockney rhyming slang, a reference to the BBC Radio 1 DJ Pete Tong. It means that "it's all gone wrong."

Sometimes, all the pieces fit. It all comes together. It's all proceeding well. As I often say, "it's going like a well-oiled machine"...

And yet, I'm still not entirely happy.

I'm still looking out for the problem. When things are going well ("perhaps too well" -  why do I say it that way?) - I always tend to be looking over my shoulder for something to go wrong... I don't know where it is - or indeed, what it is. But I know it's there to trip me up...

Ahhh, self-sabotage. There you are again! I'm familiar with the way you operate. Why is it that you show up about now, so that I always end up thinking that way?

Is there somehow something deep inside me that still cries out:  

• "It's never going to happen. Not for you..."
• “I’m not worth it...”
• “I can’t...”
• "Someone else might be able to achieve this, but not me..."
• "I'm just not ready for this yet.."

Is it fear? An overwhelming fear of exposing myself and my point of view to the outside world?

Some part of me that says I don’t deserve to be happy or content?

Or is it a lack of belief -  perhaps I don't have what it takes to make this work?

This is not true. 

I don't need to look over my shoulder. 
I can do it.

I need to keep telling myself.