Too Much Or Not Enough?

I've been looking at the '40 Acts of Kindness' resource since Lent started a few days ago. There is a link to it here. And already I've encountered a specific and definite challenge... a need for me to reexamine the whole concept of generosity. This was underlined by the message at my home Corps today (although my minister didn't know I had this very post in draft)...

It's a good thing to be known for being generous. However, I know that many people feel they can't give as much as they would like. Either in terms of money, or by using time or talents voluntarily. I get to hear this sort of thing on a regular basis - usually on those days when I am out fundraising.

However, I was challenged the other day with a thought that generosity can often connected to power - and that has started to trouble me just a little bit...

• Does my generosity to others stem from true compassion, or simply from a need to be respected or valued? To have the moral high ground? 
• Am I doing it because everyone else is?
• Do I give just to make me feel good? A warm feeling at the end of the day?

Being truly generous makes you vulnerable. Every penny you give to others is one you can't spend on your own needs. Give away just a little too much, and you run the risk of not having enough to feed or clothe yourself...

Or, thinking in terms of time, can you get so busy looking after others that you are often neglecting your own needs? Leaving yourself out? Neglecting your own household, your own family?

And so the big question is - how much is too much?

I must admit that I suffer from feelings of  confusion here; of embarrassment; of guilt; of vulnerability. I want to make a difference. I try and give what I can but am constantly challenged to give more; to do much more. I want to be a blessing to others. I realise that my generosity is my own choice; however it is one that can often upset others (I get asked at least once a week "why do you give up so much of your own free time doing this?"). Yes, I get criticised for what I do. I have been hurt quite deeply in the past.

So, is it just for my own self-gratification? OK, let's take that out of the equation. It's tricky - being a member of a uniformed organisation makes you awfully visible. However, over the last three years I have tried to keep some my own acts of generosity quiet. It can be difficult (some people find out and take time to tell me off later!).  However, I have found that is remarkably effective. But is that right? Jesus taught us to "not let the left hand know what the right hand is doing" (Matthew 6:3). Still trying to work through this concept...

Is it because I want to feel good? Still working on that one... but as long as the main reason is to make others feel better, surely I am on the right lines...

And another thing... A reading the other day highlighted another fact: that I can only give because God has first given to me. I can't give what I haven't got. But I can give what I have.

It concluded that giving is inseparably linked to receiving; Therefore I can only begin to be used by God to meet another’s need whilst I am allowing God to meet my own. And that means admitting my own vulnerability (something that I find extremely difficult)...

Hmmm... comments welcomed...