4 December 2015

It's All Gone Pete Tong

The title for this post is a reference to a piece of modern cockney rhyming slang, a reference to the BBC Radio 1 DJ Pete Tong. It means that "it's all gone wrong."

Sometimes, all the pieces fit. It all comes together. It's all proceeding well. As I often say, "it's going like a well-oiled machine"...

And yet, I'm still not entirely happy.

I'm still looking out for the problem. When things are going well ("perhaps too well" -  why do I say it that way?) - I always tend to be looking over my shoulder for something to go wrong... I don't know where it is - or indeed, what it is. But I know it's there to trip me up...

Ahhh, self-sabotage. There you are again! I'm familiar with the way you operate. Why is it that you show up about now, so that I always end up thinking that way?

Is there somehow something deep inside me that still cries out:  

  • "It's never going to happen. Not for you..."
  • “I’m not worth it...”
  • “I can’t...”
  • "Someone else might be able to achieve this, but not me..."
  • "I'm just not ready for this yet.."

Is it fear? An overwhelming fear of exposing myself and my point of view to the outside world?

Some part of me that says I don’t deserve to be happy or content?

Or is it a lack of belief -  perhaps I don't have what it takes to make this work?

This is not true. 
I don't need to look over my shoulder. 
I can do it.
I need to keep telling myself. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Colin,

A very poignant and personal piece. It takes courage to be this honest.

I don't know if this will help you , however, I'll share with you what I've been receiving this year:


How you interpret this is for you to discern. Nevertheless, I think this is true for you, too.

May this freedom come soon for you, I and those who need it.


The Artful Dodger.