27 November 2012

Not A Good Place

My regular readers will be well aware of the fact that I struggle with my moods. Other folk will simply say that there are days when I "don't seem to be in a good place". So I thought I would sit down and jot down exactly how things appear to me when I'm having one of my bad days; perhaps that might throw a bit of light on what exactly goes on in my head. There were a couple of days earlier this month... so I've taken the opportunity to study the way I feel, objectively.

What sets it off? Oh, I think I've worked that one out. The last few 'bouts' have occurred either on the day or even a day or two after I've had a really busy period. Occasions when I have been 'pushing it' - working just a little too hard, going just a little too long without a break. OK, then, overdoing it! However I doesn't happen every time - and often I find it's something really small and insignificant that just tips the balance. A small comment, maybe. The straw that breaks the camel's back?
The best word I can come up with to describe how I can feel during one of these bouts is "overwhelmed". Little problems can seem to be big ones; big problems are just too much. I start to brood - have you ever seen Michael Fassbender's terrific portrayal of Erik in "X-Men First Class"? That same brooding silence that you see in one of the early scenes, when Erik manipulates the coin between his fingers. I struggle against the mood, try to make sense of it.

However, I don't lose my faith on these occasions. It's been well proven to me that the Lord is in the darkness with me. I'm not alone. I am never alone. I seek out my Father's presence as I pray into my situation, crying out for a break, wanting something to change. The feeling claws at me, clinging to my legs as it tries to pull me down. It feels like I'm struggling through mud, or clay. My body aches, I'm far more sensitive to pain than usual. In the meantime I try to maintain "business as usual" but some days even the normal routine seems exceptionally difficult. Even easy tasks get increasingly hard. However, I still carry on. It shouldn't last long... Doesn't usually.

There's something else, though. During this time something odd happens. I become acutely aware of other people, of their behaviour. The fact they are saying to one thing to one person, something totally different to another. It's a bit like I'm in a soap opera, and not a particularly good one. And I am an unwilling and remote observer, hypersensitive to detail. If I feel I can, I'll try to do something, anything, to make a difference. When I try to do the right thing, more often than not, it fails. Was it meant to be? I sigh, try to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I just sit there and watch as the inevitable unfolds before me.
When my mood subsides and the bout is finally over, I begin to think freely again. Invariably I will try and do something dynamic, perhaps even a little out of character, just to kick-start some energy back into my life. Get myself moving again! I launch into frantic activity - start to plan, even start to blog more.

Does any of this make any sense?

1 comment:

Just Be Real said...

Colin, thank you for sharing your struggles here. I am sorry when you have those days. Blessings.